Monday, December 15, 2008

i need a gps

"And at the end of the day
I hated sleeping alone
There’s nothing worse when you’re lost
And you don’t wanna go home"

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Remember They Don't

Remember what you're worth
Remember you're worth fighting for
Remember you're not a punching bag
Remember you're not a doormat
Remember you are valuable
Remember you are repairable
Remember you matter
Remember they don't.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

parade rain

I'm not going to let you make me crazy. I'm not going to let this make me crazy. I am not crazy. But oh my god lying down in the dark with nobody close, nobody far, nobody period, makes me want to throw up. I'm not used to this. It is a monster and it makes me so afraid of it. I am not afraid of you. I am afraid of without you. This loneliness has reached new levels of reality with me. And I in turn am curdling. And it makes me almost want to hate. Almost want to curse. Almost want to cry. Almost. And the anger wells up in me and it sometimes seems unmanagable. But with all my might I manage. I wish somebody would yell at me. I wish somebody would stop me. I wish somebody would promise me I could be happy. I wish I could believe it when I hear it. I wish I could sleep and not be awake so I didn't have to hear myself think anymore. Because the very thought of doing this all by myself takes my legs out from under me. How am I going to be strong enough to do this without anybody close to understand and love and help. For fuck sakes. Somebody to help.

I am not crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not crazy. I am not going crazy.

The fun has just begun.

When it rains it pours.

Monday, December 01, 2008

collision is such an ugly sound

it starts to be time to be better at everything at the same time. trust will bind us. an it will also destroy us all together if we neglect to let it be in complete control of our decisions and our actions. say whatever you want because i can laugh it off. sure i can. but that says nothing of the resilience i only wish i knew. for the handful of people i am aware of that possess the ability to make me feel entirely safe i can only pray to g(G)od that lines are never crossed. in a time and a day and a place where for more of myself than anything else, the beating heart of your day to day life is a complete risk, and where people can turn on dimes, i cannot imagine what it would be like to feel such betrayal. i am a monster.

i keep getting myself wrong. "nothing bad is happening to me" doesn't make sense anymore. it just gets so scary sometimes all it takes is a flat bmx tire and you think you're headed for serious disaster.

i don't ever want to be a complete and utter lack of a good reason to fight for something. it doesn't feel like i get stronger by the second, right now i feel suspended in air. but its probably more just the altitude. the air is so fucking thin up here it makes you sick faster than it makes you smile.

its the fear that drives us. its that same fear that keeps us on a razors edge.
i will always be deathly afraid of falling. out of trees, out of love, and out of touch.

when it rains it pours.