Friday, October 03, 2014

Folies à Deux

Folies à Deux - a delusion or mental illness shared by two people in close association.

You can't often go backwards. cars, video tapes, web browsers, this list meanders on in mundane perpetuity.

My point is simply the fact that a few months ago I turned a pair of pants I own into shorts, shortly thereafter realizing that I couldn't turn them back into pants. I was left with the product of my own, ever so predictably casual haste.

Life never stops changing for me and I constantly find myself at the mercy of the irreversible - and maybe more often now that I've grown aware of this otherwise rudimentary law of physics. The only case more detrimental than the last would be the irreversible changes we don't notice. The moments and situations that effect us irreversibly 
- without us even noticing. 

The moment she makes me laugh when I didn't want to. The second I lash out with my typical and characteristic impulse. 

Hearing goodbye from someone for the very last time. Learning how you've hurt someone. Falling in love without even noticing you're crashing fantastically. 

My life is a science experiment and my heart is chemical reaction. 

But the rules here insist that every action and reaction inclusively compound. Things happen that you can't reverse. And shit adds up. 

We only truly lose what we can never get back. 

A lust here, a loss there, chemical reaction everywhere. I can't get the image of a Jenga block tower out of my head now. Here in its final stages of elevation - on the brink of collapse. Every limit and possibility extended to its utmost edge. Each irrevocable decision adding to the complexity of its current and ultimate circumstance. 

No compounding calamity like a tower not terrified of gravity. 

The teetering complexity of your very last step will only truly be suffered by those you leave behind.

This is how you grow. By the fruits of what you know. By the implications in the truth that is our very own sense of self awareness. Watch yourself closely. Try to get closer every day. 

I am no longer terrified of being alone because I am no longer terrified of myself. 

A reconciliation of my own lurid and often insufferable ways has been the secret to loving myself. That and the help of a love you never see coming. 

We can go anywhere now and we can paint like madmen on canvas of risk and ruin.
We can bury our love deep in the ocean and only choose to come up for air when suffocating's no longer stylish.
Burn so bright. And burn through the last of our cash on the very first night. 
Waver only together and free fall as a tangled mass of fists and spit and tears and sweat and the ferocity of a star falling out of the sky on purpose. 
To an indefinable end, an end coloured by madness no less. 
A delusion so grand and fearless we could never go backwards if we tried.
Love irreversibly true. 
I'm so irreversibly into you.