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the smoke doesn't stop blowing
the neon cross does not stop glowing
i'm thinking that you're finding
i'm not seeing what you're knowing
st. boniface you caught this
in the middle of me growing

i need a gps

"And at the end of the day
I hated sleeping alone
There’s nothing worse when you’re lost
And you don’t wanna go home"

Remember They Don't

Remember what you're worth
Remember you're worth fighting for
Remember you're not a punching bag
Remember you're not a doormat
Remember you are valuable
Remember you are repairable
Remember you matter
Remember they don't.

parade rain

I'm not going to let you make me crazy. I'm not going to let this make me crazy. I am not crazy. But oh my god lying down in the dark with nobody close, nobody far, nobody period, makes me want to throw up. I'm not used to this. It is a monster and it makes me so afraid of it. I am not afraid of you. I am afraid of without you. This loneliness has reached new levels of reality with me. And I in turn am curdling. And it makes me almost want to hate. Almost want to curse. Almost want to cry. Almost. And the anger wells up in me and it sometimes seems unmanagable. But with all my might I manage. I wish somebody would yell at me. I wish somebody would stop me. I wish somebody would promise me I could be happy. I wish I could believe it when I hear it. I wish I could sleep and not be awake so I didn't have to hear myself think anymore. Because the very thought of doing this all by myself takes my legs out from under me. How am I going to be strong enough to do this without anybody close to understand and love and help. For fuck sakes. Somebody to help.

I am not crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not crazy. I am not going crazy.

The fun has just begun.

When it rains it pours.

collision is such an ugly sound

it starts to be time to be better at everything at the same time. trust will bind us. an it will also destroy us all together if we neglect to let it be in complete control of our decisions and our actions. say whatever you want because i can laugh it off. sure i can. but that says nothing of the resilience i only wish i knew. for the handful of people i am aware of that possess the ability to make me feel entirely safe i can only pray to g(G)od that lines are never crossed. in a time and a day and a place where for more of myself than anything else, the beating heart of your day to day life is a complete risk, and where people can turn on dimes, i cannot imagine what it would be like to feel such betrayal. i am a monster.

i keep getting myself wrong. "nothing bad is happening to me" doesn't make sense anymore. it just gets so scary sometimes all it takes is a flat bmx tire and you think you're headed for serious disaster.

i don't ever want to be a complete and utter lack of a good reason to fight for something. it doesn't feel like i get stronger by the second, right now i feel suspended in air. but its probably more just the altitude. the air is so fucking thin up here it makes you sick faster than it makes you smile.

its the fear that drives us. its that same fear that keeps us on a razors edge.
i will always be deathly afraid of falling. out of trees, out of love, and out of touch.

when it rains it pours.

Septembery

Hey there you are remember me
Your eyes are still Septembery
And i just can't believe I'm still awake

Hey take this all away from me
This show this old menagerie
Don't stop until there's nothing left to take

I've made a life of lying
When its giving's turn for trying
So its possible my heart is bound to break

But would i stand at any cost
For all I'm losing that's not lost
Or will I live alone and leave it all at stake

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Now eyes that never close
See pain nobody ever knows
And all this rolling round in bed has been in vain

But if there ever was a chance in hell
And angels say I might as well
I'll fight with all I have to save your name

And if the end of the day finds me
Lying down with all that binds me
Am i still in no condition to complain

For the first time in a long time
I'll be dancing with the same crime
I've been hiding all alone inside my brain

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Now the cracks around my eyes
Say I cannot afford more lies
And this deception has begun to take its toll

And the hollows of my heart
Have much expanded from the start
And left me starving and in search of my old soul

Is it really for the glory
Does it make a better story
When this rolling stone's got no where left to roll

Will it really make me better
When I title my last letter
"Mamma's rolling stone just fell into a hole"

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Nutella Banana Sandwiches

give a little bit, if you're happy,
and if you're not happy, here take whats mine.
take a little longer, if you love me,
and if you don't love me, don't waste your time.

i don't care where you are
i don't care why you aren't