where's my blog?

wtf

*edit* oh there it is, i guess i have to keep signing in to this thing

WTF???

heads up

i haven't done this in a while. i guess i haven't had the time. i've been growing increasingly uneasy with the what i see around me. things seem to be changing quite rapidly in the world. governments are becoming hastier and hastier with the decisions they make. our consumer based culture is beginning to mutate to a point where it doesn't even seem possible that the people selling our highly recommended commodities designed to fulfill a seemingly unquenchable satisfaction even believe what they're so violently cramming down our throats. cities are ugly now. littered with forced advertisements and giant billboards featuring the most expensive vehicles. those of which only the smallest percentage of people in the world can actually afford.

And yet an overwhelming complacency sweeps in from every direction. Maybe its just because i'm busy with work and a family and trying to make all the aspects in my shitstorm of a life work at the same time that i don't have the energy to pursue this feeling that something is terribly wrong with everything around me. has anyone else noticed a serious decline in literacy and social standards of communication? All the debilitations of facebook aside, bbm has a new slogan "if you can't say it on here, you can't say it anywhere" and verizon's "scream at the top of your lungs without making a sound". As if we are being encouraged to stop talking to people face to face. openly encouraged to abandon our ability to actually express how we feel in real time. things are changing everywhere. and its hardly a good thing.

what the fuck is this??? that is considered a "carb-conscious" meal in america!! this should not be okay. it is banned in canada due to health concerns alone. with an anorexic economy and less jobs by the day people can't afford to spend as much on eating out anymore. the solution? a full course meal for under $10. doesn't anybody want to know what's in their food anymore? there's that apathy, swallowing up your desire to give a shit i guess.

i guess that's where they've got us. we can't afford to give a shit anymore. mom's working two jobs cause dad's factory closed down. the middle class is dead. and in its place a growing gap between the filthy rich and the desperately poor. somehow we've all been misdirected. someone along the way told us we'd be happy if we had that new dress, or that that cellphone is all you'll ever need. somewhere along the lines our pursuit for happiness became a scramble for a flatscreen. all the while completely missing the fucking point and being left with a big gaping hole where your true sense of fulfillment should be.

i had some time to kill in san diego today and went to the craziest mall i've ever seen. a western consumer mecca. it was outdoors but exactly like an indoor mall. and my worst fears were confirmed. there are way more people in the world not giving a fuck about it than i thought. people seemed more than content to just peruse their local overpriced merchants for the latest in feckless costume consumption. like nothing was wrong with the world. when in fact, its falling apart at the seams.

i'm not comfortable with how competitive life has gotten. i'm not happy with how easy it is for people to judge each other on some of the most fickle bullshit. its heartbreaking. all it makes me want to do is give up on this world. i have little urge to make things better and every desire to pack up all my shit and move into the mountains and kiss electricity and the monotonous hum of the daily grind goodbye. its not that i don't like working hard. its just that i don't like doing it for nothing.

i refuse to define my sense of happiness by what i own or what i consume. the worst part is when i focus on what truly makes me happy i feel like i'm just ignoring all the horrible atrocities taking place in this world every day. and that just makes me feel like a dick. is the secret sticking some starving kid you sponsor on your fridge to remind yourself you give a shit? is that all it takes? i don't want to wander through life pursuing my trivial endeavors and completely missing the point. but maybe if i had a day job bore the shit out of me i'd have the motivation to make a conscious difference. for now i'll just spend my spare 15 minutes at the airport reading about people who still think its okay to beat the shit out of women and hate the fact that i am rendered almost entirely helpless.

"the world is in bad shape. its fucked. and there's nothing i can do about it. check out my new iphone app!"

a friend of mine the other day showed me an application on his ipad mini that shows you how to tie every single kind of knot. this is a delightful idea. i asked him how to tie a bowline. he proceeded to look it up on his phone. just because you have the information stored doesn't mean you know shit. all this does is breed a sense of dependance unrivaled in this technological era. these fucking things are full of mindless games and entertainment option for the understimulated elite. this is bad. and it's only getting worse. they might as well just advertise the slogen. "iPhone. You Aren't Jack Shit Without It."


to the insolent jackass sitting in a public area blaring inaudible music from their obnoxious media device, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? do you actually think everyone around you wants to hear your garbage music? life is not a telecommunications commercial. nobody is going to get up and start dancing. you are an inconsiderate dick. do you even know what a bird sounds like?

i don't know. i'm getting mighty tired of the average perception of standards of living. i'm pretty sure we've got it wrong. something's got to give if all these drugs are taking. quality of life is dwindling rapidly. teen pregnancy is up. literacy is dead. poverty is soaring. american idol is on its landmark 10th season. the general health of our population is dilapidating.

this might seem negative. this all might be quite the downer. but people seem all too willing these days to ignore the inevitabilities of what's actually happening around them. my life isn't that bad. i love my job. i love my family. i work hard and i have a great fucking time. but i can't help but think about the future and how it will affect not just me, but my kids, and their kids one day. if we're not already living under a satellite dish with 3 ears.

does anybody even wonder how they would survive without the daily conventions of convenience they have come to so desperately depend on? answer this one question: What would you do if the government shut deactivated every cell phone and debit/credit card on the continent?

just remember. there are no apps for when the world ends

stay tuned

olympic jackets

up here in your tower, how unstoppably fine. how understandably just like you imagined it. even the sun shines like on tv. what gives this elasticity its credit? the same binding hopes of not needing anything more. our trust in this is the hope we have in ourselves.

i don't know why i can't describe what i feel when i'm positive it's real. the only sense i seem to be certain of is my sudden lack of articulation. the way innocent and uninformed european children bounce a ball on a cobblestone driveway is the same way i explain my most convicting intentions.

it hasn't been cold at night in a really long time. the mornings haven't been that bad now that i think of it. didn't know you could watch the sun rise with east facing windows. makes you forget which end is up sometimes.

i'll navigate just fine. if i can see your light. you shine so bright.

CIPE

this is the first and last time i'll ever quote someone else on here, i just felt this was too important not to share.

"To those who use this word all too frequently: words have meaning. Language is important. When you confuse the definitions of the words "epic" and "good," you leave yourself stranded when it comes time to describe something truly amazing that you have not yet experienced, like sex IRL. Please refrain from using the word "epic" until you encounter a WTF that is truly OMG. If you won't be describing it to your grand-children, it isn't epic.

EDIT: I agree with so many of you who argue, quite correctly, that language can neither be controlled nor redirected with posts like mine from earlier today.

Some of you are purists, linguists, and descriptive grammarians. I consider myself to be one of you, even if I cannot wear this post as a badge of proof. I, too, believe that language is a naturally evolving creature that needs not our improvement.

Others of you seem to aggressively attack any threat to the memes that you hold so dear. Perhaps you think that if the memes die, so might you. For you, I hereby coin the term "Stay at Home Fapper" to describe your many, many contributions to our community."

thank you

dear nail clippers

what makes you think you can do this? how can you feel even the slightest bit comfortable with yourself? you took complete advantage of me and now i have nothing more to give.

i put my trust in you. all of it. when i first saw you, i knew had to have you. all the signs were right. you seemed like the right fit. and i'll admit, i needed you. but this does not discount the fact your reputation preceded you.

nobody can deny that we worked when we tried. but you never should have failed me. you never should have lied. we never should have found ourselves without that vital element. without the strength to persevere and carry on what our bond meant.

i kept you the closest and you didn't let me see it coming. not until i needed you did i discover you weren't strong enough to get me through. when it came down to you, and the promises you made, you just couldn't cut it. and that's not even what hurts the most.

trusting you was difficult at times, but my trust's ultimate demise is not what brings me the lions share of sadness in this rotten sweating carcass of a love affair. it's the fact that i was strong enough to trust you. and it took everything i had. but i needed you. i had to have you.

when i finally realized you couldn't be what i needed, i knew there was no going back to how it used to be. how could you treat me the same? i don't know how, but everything dulled. our engagements lacked a precision previously unparalleled by other partners. but things were different now.

i can't take you back and i won't. you will never find yourself under my roof for as long as i live. please remember me as the burning rubble of a house that will have been the last true love you will ever experience.

i never want to see you again. just so you know, i'm going down to the pharmacy today to pick out a new pair. and i don't care how much it costs. never mind that $2.69 bullshit. last time i ever forget to bring cash to the pharmasave at broadway and commercial dr.

fuck you nail clippers.

god damn song

i'll sail the seven seas and if you cater coastal words
then this is all i've ever wanted and its all you've ever heard
stand and fight for me here and if not than go along
if i am not the man you wished for you were god damn wrong

kill another fire fly and classify the fire
if we stand beneath the curtain then we walk across the wire
step a little closer to the cold believing line
and if it seems its getting hotter then you're god damn fine

so peel away the summer and the stains under your skin
and if you can't get over all of this then nobody can win
and if it stays another week another laugh another stall
another make belive mistake another god damn call

handle if you care another another look another stare
cause this is all you've had alone and this is all that you can bare
and so my hands are never quiet if your heart can never wait
if we can stand we're better off we'll never god damn break

they'll kill us for the loving then they'll burn us for the pain
but this is nothing worse than missing you in cold december rain
here i'm safe so keep my secrets not just for my foolish pride
and if they ever hurt you dear they'd better god damn hide

so staying up for hours had us all begone for years
and that cold stare would never last and finally turned us into tears
just an hour just to say its just the glory gone a stray
now we are never gonna waste another god damn day

these are not my first intentions, if i can't be undesigned.
if you can't keep a single secret then your soul has been refined
and if it takes you any closer to the eyes of life and time
then you can sell us all the truth in dirty god damn rhymes

take another step into this old familiar world
and this is all you get for asking out a pretty little girl
and we are never gonna stop if this is all you wanna taste
and you can stare at me for hours in this god damn place

How Many Times Do You Think You Could Stab Me With That Knife Before I Take It Away and Kill You With It?

this is where i find me, this is where i found you. i could spend the rest of my waking life around you.



i'm in the big warm attic of a house in a small town 6 hours from a major airport. there's a river running through the back yard. this house is old. the person i love grew up here. it's special.

it's been a long time since i've found myself in a place where i can feel comfortable. a lot has changed. a lot has gotten better. i see things differently now. it effects the way i act. compounding at an exponential rate, there is an evident measure of pressure i realize i will never avoid. elusive is the new procrastinate.

this is the new wave, the cycle continues. i've lost along the way - the only difference now is that i'm prepared for it in the future. not to detract from progress, but to endure a natural sequence of evolution.

i've got a soul left and it's not that i am scared for it. its just that i don't have any plans of putting it in the same imminent danger it may or may not have previously been in.

Works like a charm:



Real Friends Jump In

say you make a decision in your life, and you're not sure if its the right one. your almost immediate reaction is to wonder "what would other people think?". your close friends and their opinions being among some of your highest values (during the ages of 7-29ish), wait at the front of your self evaluation queue. now your close friends aren't always going to agree with the decisions you make. that doesn't make them bad friends. often times, it means quite the opposite. anybody who cares enough to disagree with you, cares enough. that's what makes them such good friends.

there will be people in your life who will not agree with you to a point in which it is impossible to sustain a healthy relationship on such disagreeable terms. this is part of life and is painfully natural - and not without an obvious variance in the measure of severity from individual to individual. (nobody could possibly fuck up as 'uniquely' as i have) parting ways is natural. so is fallout. these are the fruits of our ill-advised labors. you're only evil if you can keep it up. you're only human if you can't help but feel ashamed. you're only virtuous if you're willing to do what it takes to save yourself. you're only strong if you can pick yourself back up. you're only real if you can feel.

there are people in my life i can't live without. a sense of stability as strong as oak. people i would not trade the world for. because if you have the world and nobody to enjoy it with, you don't have anything at all. trust is everything. even if you don't know it yet. everybody realizes this at some point in their life. an integral part of the architecture of any relationship. you can't be selfish and trustworthy at the same time. just a heads up. it takes a certain type of person to be a certain type of somebody.

deception is corrosive.



So Here We Aren't.

we'll be cleaning up as long as we're moving this fast. this doesn't have to adhere to any set of standards we do not deem worth abiding. structure, safety, solace, fourth s word that's creative, original and wields a good measure of emotional connectivity. if it only it took one low down dirty moment in time to teach a boy how walk like a man. this is the revival of an anonymity long since expired. who knew you could make a lot less noise if you just kept your fly zipped up.

now don't start getting all "omfg" up in this bitch. and don't act like you hold the solution. the recipe for a more impermeable resolve. its inconceivable, the math, the odds, the elements. our boy was combustible at the best of times. you're not ever supposed to peel your fourth avocado as slow as your first avocado. if this is the case please refer to this fucktardproof gadget that comes highly recommended as a "must purchase item" at the International Rubberhead Expo:



get better at everything you do. do better. know better. don't slow yourself down by failing to observe the obvious improvements we can all continually manage to make if we really put our skulls to it. rule number one: learn from your mistakes. not so simple. not so simple at all, especially if you're a slow ass avocado peeler. you can't fix every mistake you make. it is possible to crash a car and not be able to fix it. it is possible to break a heart so bad you can't ever return to the safety it once provided you. which is exactly why, one day when i dream of considering the possibility of thinking about inquiring as to whether or not i would like to write a book that may or may not pertain largely to the strikes and gutters of an unlikely presidential candidate, i feature i would title it "what not to do".

but once again i return to my initial point. you have to be aware of what you're capable of. and even more attentive to what you're not. my grandpa once said "i'd slap you if you knew better". live and breathe those 7 words. know better. try new things. find out what works the best. next thing you know, you're peeling quick. things are working out. shits turning up guacamole.



So Apparently jesus Was Born Tomorrow

and that's it. we can not yet review the comprehensive alphabet. this is not the beginning (A), we're nowhere near the end (Z). this is just how i get from J to K. there's plenty of room to grow. the reason this is always exciting for me is because i have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going to happen next. the math, the odds, sometimes in order to maintain a conscious grip on reality i completely avoid considering why i got the chance i was given. always improving. always innovating. always building. never tearing down. on-track, unstoppable and as intrusive as ever.

thanks for reading this. merry christmas.