Fuck You Tom Osborn!

"fuck you tom osborn" reads a sign held between the fingers of an 11 year old girl. her thumb up and a smile across her face. i like tom osborn. he has a great sense of humor. alot of people in the world don't. its unfortunate that i'm gonna die happier than them. well. its not that unfortunate. the 13th hour on the road. in the back of the van. its not so bad. let me paint a picture. i was good at this in highschool. the van is a 15 passenger white ford van. long. we've removed the back 2 seats. thats where tom and i live. with enough room for 3 people to lie shoulder to shoulder, legs fully extended. but only two of us ever ride back here. tom has his green, very used blanket as the base layer. then, on his side of the 'lounge' two very 'seasoned' couch cushions span his side of the back. on my side is a barrage of pillows that i've stolen from hotels along the way and a pink disney princess blanket. (snow white, cinderella, and belle, to be exact.) lining the roof of our kingdom is blue rope light. kept up by numerous zip ties, strands of duct tape, and i think some of chris' gum. empty beer cans are wedged in between the lights and the ceiling. a few teddy bears, and some pornography also hang from the windows. its almost a masculine therapy to regularly redecorate or, add, findings to our lounge, i stole a cool belt off someone and it now hangs above my head. all my glasses hang from the lights, as well, a makeshift cupholder i tried to craft together one drunken night back to the hotel. i spilled a budweiser in the corner last night, but don't tell tom. itis on his side. we have a power splitter so that we can power all of our computers and cellphones and what not, and every once in a while the odd smell of electrical fire fills our noses and we laugh and wait for the big one to hit. the road is very black at night, and in the country the only thing you can see is the white lines in front of you. dan (production manager) drives, anthony (tour manager) sleeps and awaits his shift, chris sits in the first bench facing sideways making a movie on the new mac we got him. dave sits in the next bench with sim, dave has the driver side seat, he's watching 'troy' heh. sim (simeon) is our videographer. stand up guy. knows alot of people and does a great job of capturing my most sincere emotions as i fall off trailers and get stitches or pull down my pants and crowdsurf etc. (full length dvd to come) sim has this incredible ability to sit and just do nothing for hours. not even headphones in. just be still and quite and ride. he's doing that now. i'm sitting up against the wheel well facing the driver side wall. tom is up against the back door watching sopranos. i've bought the first 2 seasons and they seem to be all lent out already to the guys (i watched both seasons in 4 days) heh. jesus. i'm gonna buy the third one tomorrow. i love that show. shows have been going well. cant complain.



can't complain about much right now. i can say however that i really miss home. not in a homesick way, but in an "i'm feeling lost" way. home is truly my anchor on reality. and the perfect reference point to what real life is. there was a time when my perspective of life and just how trivial it all really was would spearhead the way in my mental/spiritual/emotional pursuit of truth, understanding, wisdom, and happiness. things are different now. i'm not angry, maybe alittle side tracked, but not angry. people grow. people change. its natural to change. inevitable really. but how you change, is never too far from your grasp. especially this last month, going through some very private circumstances has brought me almost full circle in certain understandings and aspects of my life. in retrospect i've seen myself with a taste of power, or achievement, worth. and its almost entirely changed my opinion on life. all of a sudden i'm not ready to die it seems. i'm not finished it seems. there was a time when i was so content in knowing that life is just so very fleeting, so minute in the big picture, that any time was a good time to go. never having been so content. and things are different now. i'm scared of achievements. i've seen so many people around me that have given so much of their lives to achieving something, seeming to sacrifice almost everything to get there, and at last, feeling so forfeit. i don't want that. i don't know what i want. i'm just a mixed up kid. way to much pressure to not be complaining about.

there was a time when we would kiss so hard, i stood so proud and tall. i want to be everywhere your looking. i want to be everything your looking for. i want to remember the feeling of your skin. of your fingers. i want to go camping. i want to go fishing. i want to cook a steak and a can of pork and beans over a fire. i want to burn marshmallows. i want to make condensation inside of a tent. i want to make eggs and bacon on a coleman stove. i want to not brush my teeth and not wear underwear. i want to go tubing down the river and get waaay too drunk. i want to make the tent alitlte more condensed. i want to not comb my hair. i want hot dogs for lunch. i want a summer time. i want camping. i'm gonna go buy a tent tomorrow morning and i'm gonna start camping out on hotel front lawns. yessss. i'm feeling good. different. alittle scared. but good. i'm 22 now for god sakes. i'm pretty much almost an adult. pretty much..... almost.