excuse me, do you have change for a twenty?

i'm beginning to think i'll not ever need to wear leather again, or any other elemental self deterrent again. i must say, i do owe it to people for giving me such a strong sense of self appreciation. it seems to work well along side the numbing ability to not be afraid to let someone know they should definitely be taking a high flying fuck when they need to know. the tricky part is balancing the two. in a way that both might compliment each other, and remain true to each others values. for instance, certain reactions, however smug they may be, can sometimes jeopardize my personal self-esteem. the worst thing i think i can do in regards to anything involving me and living (everything) is dick off and cop it out on my inexperienced semi-post-adolescent mind. the more pressure the better. the more disdain for my objectives from others the better. it will only strengthen my character. and if it doesn’t, i'll just piss in your wallet and ask you to break a fucking twenty. one valuable lesson i have learned ever so swiftly, has been the understanding that trying to please everyone in the world will only make you constipated. instead of bettering yourself to fit into someone elses range of contentment, improve yourself to the point where you are so confident with what you belive in, it would seem practically ridiculous to play the role of anybody’s doormat. much of this has added up to give me the ability to truly do what i belive is best for me. if that means being the only one my side, then red rover red rover. i call all you little bastards over. take your best damn shot. i've realized i don't owe it to anybody to do anything a certain way. the only single thing i owe people is my gratitude. thats it thats all. and even that doesnt have to be sung from the mountain tops. it comes down to me, and whats in my head and whats in my heart. and i know how thankful i am for what. bottom line i guess, is that this is who we are, this is what i'm going to do, and you can take it or leave it. i figure the less friends i have, the less Christmas cake i have to bake. and good lord, is that stuff a pain to not burn. this is a nice monday. besides tammy making me clean out the garage, i think it has been a great day and very rare timeslot for me to do a little self exploring. its the dropping of these rain drop thoughts on my tin roof skull that make it so difficult to sleep through this very rainy season. The windows I wish were open will gradually write me letters of how bad they want to go out for coffee. But I will tell them I’ve got better things to do. and will then spend the day outside composing violently negative axioms in sidewalk chalk in my driveway. So claw away. Please. Claw away. The ripping and the tearing only make me stronger. The blood and the tears make me love what I do. sleep tight.