sticking to my guns

i've come to a point where the person i miss the most is myself. where the moments i miss the most are the good ones. where the times i miss the most were when i was too wild to care. and with every ounce of breath in me i wish to be that way again. i'm tired of letting the negatives influence me. i'm tired of letting the bad days and bad nights eat away at my smiles. i listened to this song that i recommended for this entry. and it almost reminds of this whole damn thing. it was a wake up call for me. last night was a wake up call for me. i realized i can rely on the simplicity of nothing at all. i've realized i can no longer be something i'm not. i miss me. i miss that crazy fricking psycho that couldn’t sit still. i'm gonna go find him later today. because. because i've been sitting still for much too long now. but right now i'll come to grips with my insomnia named sympathy. i will fight for what i, and you all believe in. i will no longer let the opinions of others contradict my instincts and my abilities to do what i do best; be me. it rained hard down on me last night. standing there made me realize really how much i wasn't ready to go anywhere. at least not on a note like this. at least not with this mentality. at least let the real me go. thanks for the break children. those 3 seconds before the name is said, is almost more liberating than anything else in the world. i'm tired of letting those stop me from being who i am. i will not stand for this no longer. but i do invite you please to come play with me in the ring. come try to shoot me down. it tastes good now. the blood on my lip. so come again. standing on the bottom gave me a few things. it gave me a tougher skin. i'm more prepared whatever the outcome. i'm also more inspired. and i'm extremely vengeful now. i will not leave this place on a bad note. i will not leave with a frown. its time i go find myself and bring me back. please, feel free to try and bring me down again. i'm not gonna let that happen anymore. i miss making millions of you smile. and it sores me to learn i've let you down. not on stage but personally. with the way i've lost hope in myself. rest assured. i kicked hopes ass. It’s all me now. and i'm in fighting mode. no more facade. no more crestfallen interlude of what i wish i could be. i'm tired of not having fun. i'm tired of not being jacob. this has all come to an end. being down there made me realize how much more i'm not ready to be gone yet. and made me discover how much fight i have. i may not be the best in the world. that doesn’t bother me. what bothers me is i haven’t done MY best lately. and that makes me sick in my stomach. this is changing. i went digging last night and found gold. i call that gold determination. it may still not work. people may still not buy what i'm selling. well they can go eat soup. cuz from now on. it's going to be the real deal. that’s it. take it or leave it kids. no more pretending. this is the game i signed up for. little did i know it would alter the very concepts of my perception. and open my eyes. i don't want to avoid myself anymore. and i'm tired of letting myself down. i'm tired of letting you down. i may not be the best at singing. but i think i'm the best at being my damn self. and that’s what i've forgotten. it's what i've missed. and i don't want to miss a thing. well. there's today's specials. take it or leave it. i've been stripped of all decency and hide myself in only the finest shame. no longer will these bindings have cause to keep me down here. hidden from the world. no longer will these chains hold my hands over my eyes. take it or leave. i fight to the bitter end.

"sticking to my guns"