what it means to be proud

catastrophic. the way ur chest feels when you lose out big time. the trick is to just expect to lose. winning is much more of a suprise that way. but then again so is a bullet in the neck. the actions we engage in the present greatly effect the outcome of our future. where would i be. what would i do. if things were different. would i be buzzing from the energy of standing on a stage facing millions. or would it be buzzing with the fear of guns aimed down my throat. people effect decisions. what u want isn't always what you need. little jimmy has no hands now, but it's his own fault. mom said don't play on the train tracks. thats not what jimmy wanted. now jimmy sits at home pissing away his life insurance on cheap beer and cheaper girlfriends. jimmy was unlucky. tommy was just plain stupid. tommy's mom taught him not to do drugs. thats not what tommy wanted. now tommy can't even add. now tommy has to think really hard to spell his own name. idiot. be thankful you're where you are, theres always someone deeper in the mud. misinterpretation blazes through my body and is contorted and forgotten. the ladder i found isn't the stair i walk on. there's change. and there's apologies you can pick up at your local convenience store starting at $1.99. you cop-out. so bleed dry the vein that carries the greed. bleed dry the life that hates the word live. rip it out. graciousness keeps you humble. go ahead. count all your men. for all its worth your wasting your time. i'll put my money on most of them dying. i bet you angels, know how to scrap well. if u plan on living a normal life. buy some band-aids, costco has them cheap right now. at least you'll be prepared. not like the jetsons. losers.
theres a mark on my window, the size of a quarter, the size of a cold winters snow. theres a body decaying, if i never prayed even god will not settle this score. in a world of great days, of great people, great ways, in a time we don't cry anymore. theres a fire inside me that fights for the reason, i won't let you screem anymore. feel the weight of the world find its place on my shoulder, the apathy bleeds from my eyes. like the water from heaven, when i'm on your doorstep, i still find it hard not to cry. so don't let me come in, don't let me understand, what it means to be proud like a man. cuz i'm still a boy, that's lost all of his toys, and nobody cleans up around here. and nobody stares, and nobody cares and you can't see the scars anymore. and you can't see the marks on my door. tell me what are we fighting for. there must be more than this.
i'm gonna be on stage again soon. i can't wait. the crowd. the crowd is like a drug. i'm so very addicted. i want more. it doesnt really matter what the fabulous four have to say. they can tear me down till the cows come home. it doesn't matter. it's too much fun to matter. the stage is all that matters. thanks for all the support. it means more than you know. when this game ends, life begins. keep an eye out for hedley. keep an eye out for oncoming traffic.

"what it means to be proud"