Everything All Of The Time

where's my blog?

2011-08-04T22:42:00.001-07:00

wtf

*edit* oh there it is, i guess i have to keep signing in to this thing

WTF???

heads up

2010-08-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

i haven't done this in a while. i guess i haven't had the time. i've been growing increasingly uneasy with the what i see around me. things seem to be changing quite rapidly in the world. governments are becoming hastier and hastier with the decisions they make. our consumer based culture is beginning to mutate to a point where it doesn't even seem possible that the people selling our highly recommended commodities designed to fulfill a seemingly unquenchable satisfaction even believe what they're so violently cramming down our throats. cities are ugly now. littered with forced advertisements and giant billboards featuring the most expensive vehicles. those of which only the smallest percentage of people in the world can actually afford.

And yet an overwhelming complacency sweeps in from every direction. Maybe its just because i'm busy with work and a family and trying to make all the aspects in my shitstorm of a life work at the same time that i don't have the energy to pursue this feeling that something is terribly wrong with everything around me. has anyone else noticed a serious decline in literacy and social standards of communication? All the debilitations of facebook aside, bbm has a new slogan "if you can't say it on here, you can't say it anywhere" and verizon's "scream at the top of your lungs without making a sound". As if we are being encouraged to stop talking to people face to face. openly encouraged to abandon our ability to actually express how we feel in real time. things are changing everywhere. and its hardly a good thing.

what the fuck is this??? that is considered a "carb-conscious" meal in america!! this should not be okay. it is banned in canada due to health concerns alone. with an anorexic economy and less jobs by the day people can't afford to spend as much on eating out anymore. the solution? a full course meal for under $10. doesn't anybody want to know what's in their food anymore? there's that apathy, swallowing up your desire to give a shit i guess.

i guess that's where they've got us. we can't afford to give a shit anymore. mom's working two jobs cause dad's factory closed down. the middle class is dead. and in its place a growing gap between the filthy rich and the desperately poor. somehow we've all been misdirected. someone along the way told us we'd be happy if we had that new dress, or that that cellphone is all you'll ever need. somewhere along the lines our pursuit for happiness became a scramble for a flatscreen. all the while completely missing the fucking point and being left with a big gaping hole where your true sense of fulfillment should be.

i had some time to kill in san diego today and went to the craziest mall i've ever seen. a western consumer mecca. it was outdoors but exactly like an indoor mall. and my worst fears were confirmed. there are way more people in the world not giving a fuck about it than i thought. people seemed more than content to just peruse their local overpriced merchants for the latest in feckless costume consumption. like nothing was wrong with the world. when in fact, its falling apart at the seams.

i'm not comfortable with how competitive life has gotten. i'm not happy with how easy it is for people to judge each other on some of the most fickle bullshit. its heartbreaking. all it makes me want to do is give up on this world. i have little urge to make things better and every desire to pack up all my shit and move into the mountains and kiss electricity and the monotonous hum of the daily grind goodbye. its not that i don't like working hard. its just that i don't like doing it for nothing.

i refuse to define my sense of happiness by what i own or what i consume. the worst part is when i focus on what truly makes me happy i feel like i'm just ignoring all the horrible atrocities taking place in this world every day. and that just makes me feel like a dick. is the secret sticking some starving kid you sponsor on your fridge to remind yourself you give a shit? is that all it takes? i don't want to wander through life pursuing my trivial endeavors and completely missing the point. but maybe if i had a day job bore the shit out of me i'd have the motivation to make a conscious difference. for now i'll just spend my spare 15 minutes at the airport reading about people who still think its okay to beat the shit out of women and hate the fact that i am rendered almost entirely helpless.

"the world is in bad shape. its fucked. and there's nothing i can do about it. check out my new iphone app!"

a friend of mine the other day showed me an application on his ipad mini that shows you how to tie every single kind of knot. this is a delightful idea. i asked him how to tie a bowline. he proceeded to look it up on his phone. just because you have the information stored doesn't mean you know shit. all this does is breed a sense of dependance unrivaled in this technological era. these fucking things are full of mindless games and entertainment option for the understimulated elite. this is bad. and it's only getting worse. they might as well just advertise the slogen. "iPhone. You Aren't Jack Shit Without It."

to the insolent jackass sitting in a public area blaring inaudible music from their obnoxious media device, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? do you actually think everyone around you wants to hear your garbage music? life is not a telecommunications commercial. nobody is going to get up and start dancing. you are an inconsiderate dick. do you even know what a bird sounds like?

i don't know. i'm getting mighty tired of the average perception of standards of living. i'm pretty sure we've got it wrong. something's got to give if all these drugs are taking. quality of life is dwindling rapidly. teen pregnancy is up. literacy is dead. poverty is soaring. american idol is on its landmark 10th season. the general health of our population is dilapidating.

this might seem negative. this all might be quite the downer. but people seem all too willing these days to ignore the inevitabilities of what's actually happening around them. my life isn't that bad. i love my job. i love my family. i work hard and i have a great fucking time. but i can't help but think about the future and how it will affect not just me, but my kids, and their kids one day. if we're not already living under a satellite dish with 3 ears.

does anybody even wonder how they would survive without the daily conventions of convenience they have come to so desperately depend on? answer this one question: What would you do if the government shut deactivated every cell phone and debit/credit card on the continent?

just remember. there are no apps for when the world ends

stay tuned

olympic jackets

2010-03-08T16:17:00.000-08:00

up here in your tower, how unstoppably fine. how understandably just like you imagined it. even the sun shines like on tv. what gives this elasticity its credit? the same binding hopes of not needing anything more. our trust in this is the hope we have in ourselves.

i don't know why i can't describe what i feel when i'm positive it's real. the only sense i seem to be certain of is my sudden lack of articulation. the way innocent and uninformed european children bounce a ball on a cobblestone driveway is the same way i explain my most convicting intentions.

it hasn't been cold at night in a really long time. the mornings haven't been that bad now that i think of it. didn't know you could watch the sun rise with east facing windows. makes you forget which end is up sometimes.

i'll navigate just fine. if i can see your light. you shine so bright.

CIPE

2010-02-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

this is the first and last time i'll ever quote someone else on here, i just felt this was too important not to share.

"To those who use this word all too frequently: words have meaning. Language is important. When you confuse the definitions of the words "epic" and "good," you leave yourself stranded when it comes time to describe something truly amazing that you have not yet experienced, like sex IRL. Please refrain from using the word "epic" until you encounter a WTF that is truly OMG. If you won't be describing it to your grand-children, it isn't epic.

EDIT: I agree with so many of you who argue, quite correctly, that language can neither be controlled nor redirected with posts like mine from earlier today.

Some of you are purists, linguists, and descriptive grammarians. I consider myself to be one of you, even if I cannot wear this post as a badge of proof. I, too, believe that language is a naturally evolving creature that needs not our improvement.

Others of you seem to aggressively attack any threat to the memes that you hold so dear. Perhaps you think that if the memes die, so might you. For you, I hereby coin the term "Stay at Home Fapper" to describe your many, many contributions to our community."

thank you

dear nail clippers

2010-02-06T18:36:00.001-08:00

what makes you think you can do this? how can you feel even the slightest bit comfortable with yourself? you took complete advantage of me and now i have nothing more to give.

i put my trust in you. all of it. when i first saw you, i knew had to have you. all the signs were right. you seemed like the right fit. and i'll admit, i needed you. but this does not discount the fact your reputation preceded you.

nobody can deny that we worked when we tried. but you never should have failed me. you never should have lied. we never should have found ourselves without that vital element. without the strength to persevere and carry on what our bond meant.

i kept you the closest and you didn't let me see it coming. not until i needed you did i discover you weren't strong enough to get me through. when it came down to you, and the promises you made, you just couldn't cut it. and that's not even what hurts the most.

trusting you was difficult at times, but my trust's ultimate demise is not what brings me the lions share of sadness in this rotten sweating carcass of a love affair. it's the fact that i was strong enough to trust you. and it took everything i had. but i needed you. i had to have you.

when i finally realized you couldn't be what i needed, i knew there was no going back to how it used to be. how could you treat me the same? i don't know how, but everything dulled. our engagements lacked a precision previously unparalleled by other partners. but things were different now.

i can't take you back and i won't. you will never find yourself under my roof for as long as i live. please remember me as the burning rubble of a house that will have been the last true love you will ever experience.

i never want to see you again. just so you know, i'm going down to the pharmacy today to pick out a new pair. and i don't care how much it costs. never mind that $2.69 bullshit. last time i ever forget to bring cash to the pharmasave at broadway and commercial dr.

fuck you nail clippers.

god damn song

2010-01-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

i'll sail the seven seas and if you cater coastal words
then this is all i've ever wanted and its all you've ever heard
stand and fight for me here and if not than go along
if i am not the man you wished for you were god damn wrong

kill another fire fly and classify the fire
if we stand beneath the curtain then we walk across the wire
step a little closer to the cold believing line
and if it seems its getting hotter then you're god damn fine

so peel away the summer and the stains under your skin
and if you can't get over all of this then nobody can win
and if it stays another week another laugh another stall
another make belive mistake another god damn call

handle if you care another another look another stare
cause this is all you've had alone and this is all that you can bare
and so my hands are never quiet if your heart can never wait
if we can stand we're better off we'll never god damn break

they'll kill us for the loving then they'll burn us for the pain
but this is nothing worse than missing you in cold december rain
here i'm safe so keep my secrets not just for my foolish pride
and if they ever hurt you dear they'd better god damn hide

so staying up for hours had us all begone for years
and that cold stare would never last and finally turned us into tears
just an hour just to say its just the glory gone a stray
now we are never gonna waste another god damn day

these are not my first intentions, if i can't be undesigned.
if you can't keep a single secret then your soul has been refined
and if it takes you any closer to the eyes of life and time
then you can sell us all the truth in dirty god damn rhymes

take another step into this old familiar world
and this is all you get for asking out a pretty little girl
and we are never gonna stop if this is all you wanna taste
and you can stare at me for hours in this god damn place

How Many Times Do You Think You Could Stab Me With That Knife Before I Take It Away and Kill You With It?

2009-12-23T16:34:00.001-08:00

this is where i find me, this is where i found you. i could spend the rest of my waking life around you.

i'm in the big warm attic of a house in a small town 6 hours from a major airport. there's a river running through the back yard. this house is old. the person i love grew up here. it's special.

it's been a long time since i've found myself in a place where i can feel comfortable. a lot has changed. a lot has gotten better. i see things differently now. it effects the way i act. compounding at an exponential rate, there is an evident measure of pressure i realize i will never avoid. elusive is the new procrastinate.

this is the new wave, the cycle continues. i've lost along the way - the only difference now is that i'm prepared for it in the future. not to detract from progress, but to endure a natural sequence of evolution.

i've got a soul left and it's not that i am scared for it. its just that i don't have any plans of putting it in the same imminent danger it may or may not have previously been in.

Works like a charm:

Real Friends Jump In

say you make a decision in your life, and you're not sure if its the right one. your almost immediate reaction is to wonder "what would other people think?". your close friends and their opinions being among some of your highest values (during the ages of 7-29ish), wait at the front of your self evaluation queue. now your close friends aren't always going to agree with the decisions you make. that doesn't make them bad friends. often times, it means quite the opposite. anybody who cares enough to disagree with you, cares enough. that's what makes them such good friends.

there will be people in your life who will not agree with you to a point in which it is impossible to sustain a healthy relationship on such disagreeable terms. this is part of life and is painfully natural - and not without an obvious variance in the measure of severity from individual to individual. (nobody could possibly fuck up as 'uniquely' as i have) parting ways is natural. so is fallout. these are the fruits of our ill-advised labors. you're only evil if you can keep it up. you're only human if you can't help but feel ashamed. you're only virtuous if you're willing to do what it takes to save yourself. you're only strong if you can pick yourself back up. you're only real if you can feel.

there are people in my life i can't live without. a sense of stability as strong as oak. people i would not trade the world for. because if you have the world and nobody to enjoy it with, you don't have anything at all. trust is everything. even if you don't know it yet. everybody realizes this at some point in their life. an integral part of the architecture of any relationship. you can't be selfish and trustworthy at the same time. just a heads up. it takes a certain type of person to be a certain type of somebody.

deception is corrosive.

So Here We Aren't.

we'll be cleaning up as long as we're moving this fast. this doesn't have to adhere to any set of standards we do not deem worth abiding. structure, safety, solace, fourth s word that's creative, original and wields a good measure of emotional connectivity. if it only it took one low down dirty moment in time to teach a boy how walk like a man. this is the revival of an anonymity long since expired. who knew you could make a lot less noise if you just kept your fly zipped up.

now don't start getting all "omfg" up in this bitch. and don't act like you hold the solution. the recipe for a more impermeable resolve. its inconceivable, the math, the odds, the elements. our boy was combustible at the best of times. you're not ever supposed to peel your fourth avocado as slow as your first avocado. if this is the case please refer to this fucktardproof gadget that comes highly recommended as a "must purchase item" at the International Rubberhead Expo:

get better at everything you do. do better. know better. don't slow yourself down by failing to observe the obvious improvements we can all continually manage to make if we really put our skulls to it. rule number one: learn from your mistakes. not so simple. not so simple at all, especially if you're a slow ass avocado peeler. you can't fix every mistake you make. it is possible to crash a car and not be able to fix it. it is possible to break a heart so bad you can't ever return to the safety it once provided you. which is exactly why, one day when i dream of considering the possibility of thinking about inquiring as to whether or not i would like to write a book that may or may not pertain largely to the strikes and gutters of an unlikely presidential candidate, i feature i would title it "what not to do".

but once again i return to my initial point. you have to be aware of what you're capable of. and even more attentive to what you're not. my grandpa once said "i'd slap you if you knew better". live and breathe those 7 words. know better. try new things. find out what works the best. next thing you know, you're peeling quick. things are working out. shits turning up guacamole.

So Apparently jesus Was Born Tomorrow

and that's it. we can not yet review the comprehensive alphabet. this is not the beginning (A), we're nowhere near the end (Z). this is just how i get from J to K. there's plenty of room to grow. the reason this is always exciting for me is because i have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going to happen next. the math, the odds, sometimes in order to maintain a conscious grip on reality i completely avoid considering why i got the chance i was given. always improving. always innovating. always building. never tearing down. on-track, unstoppable and as intrusive as ever.

thanks for reading this. merry christmas.

Intervention *** Verse Two

2009-11-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

our sense of well being in light of recent socio-economic disintegration may waver, but how much i love you won't change.

the light may dim and the internet connection may be slow and there may be some lag, but how much i love watching intervention with you over skype won't change.

***

she ran picked up the phone
said babe i miss you come back home
it can't be long boy it can't be long
he said i hate this place
i miss your smile i miss your face
i wrote a song girl i wrote a song
she said you make me better boy
i just mailed you a letter boy
and oh so you know i'm still in your sweater boy
he said girl don't be hurt
i've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
but i think i'd feel naked without your shirt

zoxo

we can't fail if we can fix

2009-10-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Facing the obvious is a lot like admitting you're wrong. You never want to do it, but it's always the right thing to do. Nobody insists on getting in trouble. Not smart people any way. But I can't keep myself from disassociating with the right way to do things. It's not that I make mistakes on purpose, that's a paradox. But I can't help but fuck up once in a while. There is such thing as a voluntary mistake. It's also known as idiocy. Its scary going through things you've never experienced before in your life. It makes you nervous. You second guess yourself. Its an arduous and often lonely journey. The ups and down in my life have increased in both intensity and frequency. None of it can stop me, but it will always make me stop and think.

The evermore careful,

- The evermore wise.

heaven is in your head

2009-10-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

things are moving at a different place lately. less frantic. the walls aren't caving in. over the past few weeks i've experienced something i'd never before. moments of an afternoon are made to seem as they were carefully edited clips comprising the trailer to a half-decent movie. complete with perfectly timed theme music.

-- do you ever have those moments where what you're doing makes complete sense because of the song that's playing? or what you're doing all of a sudden becomes one of the most important moments in your life, timed perfectly to the right sound? --

bad things happen in good movies.

good movies can also end poorly. so not to say there isn't shit on some sidewalk somewhere. not to say you don't need to keep your battle stations manned. keep your edge, however you can. keep it sharp and keep it close.

enough about you. what about me? where do i find MY peace? try reading more than one book. (books ABOUT that one book, DO NOT COUNT as other books.) i don't need to dwell on whether there is a hell. i'm sure i've got plenty more positive things to think about. but peace. peace is always hard to find. no matter how grand your imagination is.

where can anybody really find it these days? shit is fucked. people are trying to find something safe in their lives to turn to and are presented with pockets full of pills and plasma screens. told to believe AOLTIMEWARNERAPPLESONYCNNJESUSPILSNER has the key to your happiness. for a nominal fucking fee.

i found some peace. here and there. what good is moderation if you don't have anything great to tempt you? i can't believe how much work there is to do. always. it often keeps me up at night. i sleep great though. it took a while. but i can sleep again.

everything that happens in your life, becomes who you are. you can't be happy with who you are until you can accept everything you've been through for what it is - your complexion. fuck yeah we did it. with all of our hearts. but you can't help but live like you're never going to die. somehow the middle makes itself clear. lucidity isn't always a cure. and sedation is almost never the right medication. but somewhere in the middle, somewhere i don't really care to pinnpointatthispoint, there is a healthy balance.

one foot in front of the others.

Weak Azz Bitch

2009-08-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

"Weak Azz Bitch"

When I say weak ass, you say bitch
Weak ass, BITCH, Weak ass BITCH

How you feel with this nine mili mill to your grill
Haters talkin' lots of shit
But they scared of the steel
If you want me come and get me
Cause I'm real with this here
I ain't scared of none of you hoes
I ain't never shead a tear
In yo hood bumpin' ridin' with a twelve case of beer
Ain't no nigga make no moves
Get you scared, shook your fear
Y2K hit the clock
So you know the ending's near
One call to them killas and you just might disappear

Now nigga all in my face hollin' real but real soft
Bitch I'm holdin' up this glock
Bout to knock your block off
You a weak ass bitch
And your CD cover show
With your fake ass face
I been knowin' ya so I know a sissy hoe
Yeah know this a triple six city
All that MTV and BET got you feelin' shitty
Just to think, you used to be my dog
Used to be my nigga, now you fake
But I stomp on you trick in the grass
You little snake bitch

Uh, In the mood a fucking crowd
Make the speakers pound
If you niggas wild
Knock these bitches out
Rumblin' the ground
Tramplin' niggas down
From the dirty south
Where the niggas like it loud
Wish ya hypnotized
Instagater ?
Fire in my eyes sosate lucky Frank White
Ready for the gunfight
If you wanna get high
Ain't no sympathize
Make you sleep till it's judgment night

Talk is cheap
I hear you talking but you ain't bout your bizz
La Chat a mack ain't got no time to play no games with a bitch
My motherfuckin' plastic gat we gonna rumblin' shit
Then they gon' hit'cha smit'cha get'cha so don't fuck with this shit
I know you feelin' when I'm speakin' and I'm speakin' to you
Well hoe it's true, who got the proof bitch
What you gon' do
I keep my mug cuz I'm a thug
I left the twink on my grill
You got some manner
Need to show it
Shit you claim that your real

Toil vs Spoil

2009-08-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

i have an idea for a plan.

it has nothing to do with the witness protection programme.

but taking cereal everything all of the time.

the competition is never over

fuck john ashcroft.
fuck fox news.

i have a gun tucked into the front of my sweatpants.
i have an idea tucked in the back.
and two left hands to completely fuck with your head.

dirty souf paw.

suns up. hay's high. bird man daddy.
pullin up in that brand new caddy.

hands and arms

2009-08-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

i'd take them both
and leave you wishing you weren't so close
there's certain places nobody should go
and certain things everybody should know

get close enough to my family and find out

this is not a game show
me a reason to remain so
even bleeding is a pain
i'll make you need to go insane

i'll always be watching
i'll always be here and waiting
you can find me where you shouldn't ever be

hands and arms i'll take them both
unless you figure you're better off keeping them to yourself.
i'm a gun owner.

Yes she made the quota, cause I'm like Ray Liotta

2009-07-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

Purple Haze - Diplomats

i'm glad i've got you, you're the only one i can count on.

you make get me high
you get me by
i thought i knew strong
i thought i knew unbreakable
i do know
i do now
there could be everything against us
but with nothing between us
we're unstoppable, unbeatable

i see what you really are
take me where the wild things are

could you love me?
oh can you imagine.

go time show time let them all know time

2009-07-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

where the hell have you been?

around

around where?

you know, just around i guess

doing what?

jesus, well, where to start?

the beginning maybe?

good call.

well, standing atop a fire hydrant on one foot holding a tray full of dinner plates with expensive steak dinners for everyone but me

balance eh

right on

thats it?

thats its!?! do you have any idea how difficult all that fucking bullshit is?

oh poor you, life's so hard

well fuck, its a lot to deal with

could be worse

could be better

how much better?

i'll let you know when i get there

how you doing with it all

good now, prioritizing well

good to hear

better to accomplish

well shut the fuck up and get atter, there's still ducks everywhere

new post

2009-01-28T02:54:00.000-08:00

the smoke doesn't stop blowing
the neon cross does not stop glowing
i'm thinking that you're finding
i'm not seeing what you're knowing
st. boniface you caught this
in the middle of me growing

i need a gps

2008-12-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

"And at the end of the day
I hated sleeping alone
There’s nothing worse when you’re lost
And you don’t wanna go home"

Remember They Don't

2008-12-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

Remember what you're worth
Remember you're worth fighting for
Remember you're not a punching bag
Remember you're not a doormat
Remember you are valuable
Remember you are repairable
Remember you matter
Remember they don't.

parade rain

2008-12-10T01:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to let you make me crazy. I'm not going to let this make me crazy. I am not crazy. But oh my god lying down in the dark with nobody close, nobody far, nobody period, makes me want to throw up. I'm not used to this. It is a monster and it makes me so afraid of it. I am not afraid of you. I am afraid of without you. This loneliness has reached new levels of reality with me. And I in turn am curdling. And it makes me almost want to hate. Almost want to curse. Almost want to cry. Almost. And the anger wells up in me and it sometimes seems unmanagable. But with all my might I manage. I wish somebody would yell at me. I wish somebody would stop me. I wish somebody would promise me I could be happy. I wish I could believe it when I hear it. I wish I could sleep and not be awake so I didn't have to hear myself think anymore. Because the very thought of doing this all by myself takes my legs out from under me. How am I going to be strong enough to do this without anybody close to understand and love and help. For fuck sakes. Somebody to help.

I am not crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not crazy. I am not going crazy.

The fun has just begun.

When it rains it pours.

collision is such an ugly sound

2008-12-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

it starts to be time to be better at everything at the same time. trust will bind us. an it will also destroy us all together if we neglect to let it be in complete control of our decisions and our actions. say whatever you want because i can laugh it off. sure i can. but that says nothing of the resilience i only wish i knew. for the handful of people i am aware of that possess the ability to make me feel entirely safe i can only pray to g(G)od that lines are never crossed. in a time and a day and a place where for more of myself than anything else, the beating heart of your day to day life is a complete risk, and where people can turn on dimes, i cannot imagine what it would be like to feel such betrayal. i am a monster.

i keep getting myself wrong. "nothing bad is happening to me" doesn't make sense anymore. it just gets so scary sometimes all it takes is a flat bmx tire and you think you're headed for serious disaster.

i don't ever want to be a complete and utter lack of a good reason to fight for something. it doesn't feel like i get stronger by the second, right now i feel suspended in air. but its probably more just the altitude. the air is so fucking thin up here it makes you sick faster than it makes you smile.

its the fear that drives us. its that same fear that keeps us on a razors edge.
i will always be deathly afraid of falling. out of trees, out of love, and out of touch.

when it rains it pours.

Septembery

2008-11-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hey there you are remember me
Your eyes are still Septembery
And i just can't believe I'm still awake

Hey take this all away from me
This show this old menagerie
Don't stop until there's nothing left to take

I've made a life of lying
When its giving's turn for trying
So its possible my heart is bound to break

But would i stand at any cost
For all I'm losing that's not lost
Or will I live alone and leave it all at stake

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Now eyes that never close
See pain nobody ever knows
And all this rolling round in bed has been in vain

But if there ever was a chance in hell
And angels say I might as well
I'll fight with all I have to save your name

And if the end of the day finds me
Lying down with all that binds me
Am i still in no condition to complain

For the first time in a long time
I'll be dancing with the same crime
I've been hiding all alone inside my brain

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Now the cracks around my eyes
Say I cannot afford more lies
And this deception has begun to take its toll

And the hollows of my heart
Have much expanded from the start
And left me starving and in search of my old soul

Is it really for the glory
Does it make a better story
When this rolling stone's got no where left to roll

Will it really make me better
When I title my last letter
"Mamma's rolling stone just fell into a hole"

Roll away rolling river
Leave this tired life behind
I'll make my own bed, make my own way instead
'Cause nobody can tell me what I'll find

Nutella Banana Sandwiches

2008-11-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

give a little bit, if you're happy,
and if you're not happy, here take whats mine.
take a little longer, if you love me,
and if you don't love me, don't waste your time.

i don't care where you are
i don't care why you aren't

i'm getting tired of being awake

2008-11-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

i'm getting tired of being awake
i'm getting tired of dragging my feet around
i'm getting tired of being so hungry
i'm getting tired of starving for affection
i'm getting tired of isolating myself
i'm getting tired of watching the sun come up
i'm getting tired of tossing and turning
i'm getting tired of self medicating
i'm getting tired of sweating when i sleep
i'm getting tired of not cuddling
i'm getting tired of daydreaming, all day long
i'm getting tired of being this close this far
i'm getting tired of not having what i want when i want it
i'm getting tired of slutty phone numbers
i'm getting tired of empty gratuity
i'm getting tired of the dark

i don't want to live where my shadow can offer the light.
i don't want to go where we're beautiful only at night.

The Sweater Song

2008-11-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

she said baby don't leave
be home stay close be close to me
boy dont' be gone
he said baby you know
i gotta run i gotta go
i won't be long, girl i won't be long

she said boy don't you flirt
and baby please just don't get hurt
and if you feel alone then here take my shirt
he said forever girl i know you hate the weather girl
so maybe you should hold onto my sweater girl

she ran picked up the phone
said babe i miss you come back home
it can't be long, boy it can't be long
he said i hate this place
i miss your smile i miss your face
i wrote a song, girl i wrote a song

she said you make me better boy
i just mailed you a letter boy
and oh just so you know i'm still in your sweater boy
he said girl don't be hurt
i've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
and i think i'd feel naked without your shirt

he said you're looking great
i'm home i'm back i couldn't wait
girl way too long, this was way too long
she said get over here
i crave you close i need you near
now play that song, boy play me our song

he said back to forever girl
hope you endured the weather girl
now all i wanna do is get you outta that sweater girl
she said i like the way you flirt
i'm so glad you didn't get hurt
now let me see you naked without that shirt

Scaffolds of My Heart

2008-11-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

My capacity in which to resume such an entire overhaul of my own heart and soul is baffling. The propensity and tenacity is boggling. I like boggle. Not a lot but a little. It seems like any mid twentieth century combustion engine (and please don't think we are not too far apart) I have the ability to sustain a shade of perpetual motion that needs only to be fueled by the motivation of ones self. Here in lies the crux. I am impossible. I feel like I am both a bad tooth and the dentist. No dentist operates on themselves. It is impossible. But for some reason, I fight so hard for the ability to self perscribe and self medicate as if I was some sort of sherlock holmes meets indiana jones meets nancy drew (except not a teenaged girl).

The importance of people in the life of someone looking to make positive changes is priceless. I am often unable to put such a price on people of equitable imprtance in my life. And often also forget to let them know.

I have done a lot of taking in my few days. Of friends and family's love, patience, grace, forgiveness, etcetera. Anyones days as a all take no give friend or family member may not be numbered, but truly will never be lived to their fullest. Renovations and reconstruction. Tongue biting is for the dishonest. And nothing makes sense of it all like a healthy measure of grace. Grace. Grace grace grace.

If you're going to be young and stupid, do it while you're young and stupid -jwh

Ball of Confusion

2008-10-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

the temptations are the best singing group in the world. if you do not believe this is true, i will fight you. in Montreal they call a cheeseburger fries and a coke a "Trio" as this is numerically and quantitatively true, the word "Trio" in Montreal is a Proper Noun. This becomes confusing when you acknowledge the fact that in the rest of Canada a specific food assortment is referred to as a "Combo" which, other than being an abbreviation of the Adjective "combination" (which is primarily defined as an act or instance of combining; the process of being combined.) But "combo" (similarly an adjective) is also defined as "a small jazz, rock, or pop band" primarily, and secondarily defined as "a combination, typically of different foods". But holding no quantitative value, it is a more general, and appropriate Proper Noun as it includes the possibility of a Combination of 4 or More Items as well as 2 or Fewer. As a Trio (Proper Noun) is in reference to a specific three items, it is restricted to only these items as opposed to being an ambiguous generalized title. i guess what i'm getting at is if i get a "Number 2" off the menu and its a cheeseburger fries and a coke, then i can refer to it as the "Trio" OR the "Combo" and if i get a cheese burger fries and a coke AND chicken nuggets, it is still technically a "combination" but is no longer a "Trio" and therefore is no longer a "Combo" as a combo is a specific combination as opposed to a varied assortment.

Sooooome cookies.

Hesitations

2008-10-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

the stopping and thinking the space between blinking the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. the more i sotp to think the less i think i can stop. the act of stopping, the hesitation of going bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. bright green sunglasses bright green english classes. i bet mispelling english is just fucking stupid. i'm not afraid to keep going. being alone is terrifying and i won't let that stop me. i can't. the fact that it scares me is the same principal i base the fact that i cannot stop. i have to learn. i have to fear. i have to grow. the show must go. when i can finally write down what i think to the tune of only myself as the audience then i know i will be saying what i mean. this transparency can do nobody any justice. this menagerie is no benefit to anyone. perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good. i need to shave. just a little. i do not like shirts with tight collars. it feels too confining. i'm changing. a lot. and its good. and its bad. and its painful. and its dangerous. and its new. and its exciting. and its terrifying. and its liberating. and its life altering. and i will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. still running. still swinging.

32-20

2008-10-23T11:23:00.002-07:00

i sent for my baby, and she don't come.
and if she gets unruly...

i wake up every morning with a chainsaw in my bed

i stand up every morning with the good lord in my head

impervious to the conjured empathy of the pious. its good to see even the humblest of actors and actresses confess their self made dogma as subconsciously as they do their narcissistic lust for spotlight. you are no different from me. therefore you can never have an effect on my focus.

i called you at 11 in the mownin
i thought you were alone and
i wanted to say hello over the phone and
i thought that you were in but you were out you weren't home and

NOTHING RHYMES WITH AND.

God Damn Son of a God Damn It!

The Show Must Go...

2008-10-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

i remember when,
sometime long ago,
i told you this was possible and now i know.
and i remember when,
sometime long ago,
i told you i was strong enough, and now i know.

see this is a reaction,
to our no satisfaction,
we need a little push,
to stop beating round the bush.
and if you think this just can't happen,
cause our no satisfaction,
is beating round the bush,
then here's a little push.

the show must go,
cause i don't know,
if i can grow,
if i can glow.
but now i know,
cause life said so,
i need to glow,
so the show must go.

i remember when,
sometime long ago,
i told you this was all we need and now i know.
i remember when,
sometime long ago,
i told you i was everything you need and now i know.

see this is a reaction,
to our no satisfaction,
i need a little push,
to stop beating round the bush.
and if you think this just can't happen,
cause our no satisfaction,
is beating round the bush,
then here's a little push.

the show must go,
cause i don't know,
if i can grow,
if i can glow.
but now i know,
cause life said so,
i need to glow,
so the show must go.

Matel

2008-09-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes things slow down. sometimes they go so fast they feel like they're not moving. other days its easy to breathe while some you can't smell a thing. sometimes life wasn't meant to play like a game of boggle. rinse and repeat

The Most Important Meal of the Day

2008-09-01T01:52:00.001-07:00

I wish it was a Saturday, I wish that wasn't all I had to say.
Another life, another way, I wish it wasn't such a beautiful day.

I'll never build you up to break you down in circles for me.
I couldn't make you up to write you down in a thousand stories.

This is just a breakfast conversation;

If I'm not smart, and you're too far,
What makes me crash into your stars?
If I can't love, without the noise,
What makes you hold me and not those other boys?

I lie in bed, I lie awake, I wish that you were close enough to take
I know the cards, I know the stakes, you're far enough to make a lonely heart break

I'll never build you up to break you down in circles for me.
I couldn't make you up to write you down in a thousand stories.

This is just a breakfast conversation;

If I'm not smart, and you're too far,
What makes me crash into your stars?
If I can't love, without the noise,
What makes you hold me and not those other boys?

Here I am, way down on your line, but the waiting feel is fine.

There always comes a point where we need to decide for ourselves what kind of person will we be? Will Igo get it? Will we wait for it to come get us? Does "it" even matter that much? Does anything matter at all? Metals forged in flames, men made in fire. Its hot out. it always is. i guess i'll always look for excuses. i guess i'll always run away.

here's a boy riding a motorcycle. he's riding his motorcycle as fast as he can. he's going as fast as this motorcycle can go. feverishly cutting off other vehicles at a moments notice and more and more - leaving zero room for error. entering another drivers life, ever so briefly and leaving them with only the worst taste in their mouths. upsetting some, hurting others, but generally being a beligerant human being. at some points the steering wheel shakes tremendously. in fear - and some shame, he slows down - if only for a moment. soon the remorse wears off and he speeds up, slowly of course, working his way back into a perfectly reckless state. gaining speed, the wind flows through his hair fantastically, as - of course, the boy does not wear a helmet. infact, he is outfitted with only a short pair of shorts and a bitchin pair of sunglasses, of course. with speeds entering the red zone, our boy is showing no signs of slowing down. other than the occasional speed wobble. the kicker here, is the fact that the motorcycle our boy is riding, is a really, really nice motorcycle. like nice. like, this boy is L-U-C-K-Y LUCKY to have this motorcycle as his own. very lucky. whether he worked very hard to own this motorcycle, or he fell ass backwards lucky into it - its nice. assuming the former is true, this only amplifies the entropy that is our boys ill-fated decision making process. the end of this story, should be easily predictable. our boy ends up in a head first crash with the broad side of a school bus or other cold, steel receptical. the crash is glorious - cinematic even. most ironic part of the crash? the bitchin sunglasses don't seem like such a necessity anymore. furthermore, the really, really nice motorcycle, acting as a host to a great number of damage inducing qualities, is not so really, really nice anymore. further details on the grand finale of this show can not be provided as it is a frighteningly unfamiliar subject with the author, and he is far too unprepared and inexperienced at the moment to shed any further light on the story. albeit luck will only save a soul for so long. and chance can only champion your spot in line so often. and the privelages will only numb the pain for a season, and the limelight will only hide the burns for a time. do we really want our boy on the motorcycle to end up a sad story that will turn to rumor in years and a faint distant blurred memory in only a single lifetime. leaving behind a legacy of dirty shoes, some regrets, lots of stuff, and only a few good choices, will be as good as he can hope for if he doesn't learn to slow down. to take it easy, and treat other drivers on the road a little nicer. with a little more respect. maybe even some love. this is a driver that has clearly never crashed before. clearly, never been hurt before. over the years, having developed exceptional skills of weaving through traffic and cutting other drivers off, effortlessly honing these deplorable attributes to an almost 'white glove' perfection. yet never having felt the shock of having to slam on your breaks in fear of losing a life, or the deep sting of road rash after being all too reckless. can he stop on his own? will anyone tell him to stop? will anyone try? can anyone get to him in time? can anyone catch up? is it even worth trying? maybe the sooner he crashes the better. the world doesnt really need dangerous people. and nobody wants to remember a bastard. but the wind sure feels good through the hair though. and it is damn nice hair.

I'm Flyer, I'm Higher.

2008-06-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

So please don't shoot me down. Hate is such a weak emotion. Anger is such a motivating emotion. Try not to let your hate motivate. And don't let your anger instigate, but let it insight change. thats the good weed. the right blood to bleed. i heard you were looking for me. you can't find this. you couldn't handle it if you found it. so don't find it. i found it. the right way. the better way. a brighter day. i'd better say that nothing is over. this is not over. nothing is over. i'll always learn more than you. because i fuck up more than you. yes the element is hot. even on the third time trying.

love,
- the hard way

The Sour

2008-06-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

no more running. no more hiding. only standing and only siding; with myself and no one who can't handle what i'm made of. love it or hate me, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong. no more impressing, no more up dressing, no more back breaking stretching for stressing. no more back biters. no more close liars. no more mirror time i could use building fires. fuck what doesnt make me happy. and always choose being happy over fucking.

i'm only as crazy as you all make me, but that doesn't make me wrong,
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong.

i could never live life easy
i could never just slow down
and as long as i keep moving i'm falling
but it feels so good to get up off the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd

i'm only as crazy as you all make me
and that doesn't make me wrong
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me
and that doesn't make me wrong

i could never live like its over
when running in circles is allowed
cause it takes so much to keep me from falling
but i'd rather be a risk than on the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd

the sweet, isn't the sweet, without the sour

so lucky so strong so proud

All You Get Is Sound

2008-04-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

I am tired of walking around here with my hands on my guns. it seems like whenever i find a good groove in life my first gut reaction is to go on total guard and tense up and worry about what bad will happen next. i'm always afraid of good things going on. like i don't deserve them or am not allowed them. i always feel like i'm breaking rules. even when i'm not. normally i know when i'm breaking rules. and am aware of it. but for some reason it seems like somethings off. i don't know what it is. my dog is getting big. she was at the ocean yesterday for the first time. i took her swimming. its been beautiful out lately. this change in weather from winter to spring puts life in my veins. it brings me RIGHT back to last year this time being in the studio at rock beach and recording every day and just living a good life. balanced. hard working. proficient. at peace. i guess i just miss that energy. which is good because any time i am in the studio now i work so hard to get to that place of vibe. where the room is just buzzing at the heightened creativity. where you can literally feel it when you walk in the room. almost intrusive. like walking into a room full of dust or smoke. its saturday night at 9pm and i'm sitting in my kitchen with a blunt my dog at my feet and it feels damn good. i even lit a candle. sometimes i feel like such a wiener, but, i like candles. and i also like mood lighting. and i can appreciate the odd veggie sub, and i like vacuumed rooms. breathing in and out. and all you get is sound. take me away and you will say, that all you get is sound. i will always fear emptiness.

"I have failed to learn many things in my life. But I stand amongst some of the most apt pupils of the human condition." - jwh

Maybe its another excuse for the way our things have been going
Baby i don't see why you're waiting, i've been gone too long

So don't believe everything, don't believe everything, that you see
Cause baby i'm everything, baby i'm everything, that you need

Cause all i can offer is when i'm around
Take me away and you will say
That all you get is sound

So maybe this is how its gotta be another day that i'll just phone in
Excuse me when i say what i mean cause i know i've been gone too long

So don't believe everything, don't believe everything, that you hear
Cause baby i'm everything, baby i'm everything, when i'm near

Cause all i can offer is when i'm around
Take me away and you will say
That all you get is sound

You say, you amaze me with your song, you amaze,

Cause all i can offer is when i'm around
take me away and you will say
that all you get is sound

take me away and you will say that all you get is sound
take me away and you will say that all you get is sound

smoke like hickory

2008-02-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

fools did you really think viktor vaughn could be captured so easily?

don't think you'd hear an apology out of me any time soon. this is no place for me to act like a fucking pussy. especially if i jump head first into the honesty pool. the same place everyone wishes they could swim but most just drown when they get close. you know. can't take the fucking pressure. i can let anybody make me feel sorry for what i think. i can't let anybody take a part of me, especially the part i so willingly lay down to be stepped and trampled. never. back to the hyrdro where there little kids get smoked. i'm havingi a great day and i'm taking advantage of it. good sleep. good morning. goood lunch. good afternoon. you'll never stop me.

makeshift malarkey

2008-02-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

excuse me use me and abuse me you see
whatever takes to get personal and closely
and yes please thank you for all your pretty slaughter
don't go fuck yourself because i'm busy with my bong water
and again must i remind you i'm only in your mind you
will never truly know what goes on in here behind
this magic curtain closes dying roses and a handful of standard poses
enough to get me through another day inside the lions den
the same place where it all began, its not your fault, you're just pretend.

you can't hurt me. you never have. you never will. i am bulletproof. with only a few bad days here and there. watch me catch on fire.

bollocks to you and your sod faced valentine

2008-02-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

some people just have the face that says punch me. and if that weren't enough the person's body language reads like an insolent commercial advertisement for the kind of product you get mad just thinking about. what the fuck is this world really coming to when we have to set aside a fantastic 24 hours as a reminder for people to do something nice to someone else. its just about as if the other 364 days are spent so completely preoccupied with ourselves and what we need and want that it comes down to this contrived excuse for a sincere affection.

some days i feel like saving the whole wide world. fixing everything. making life good... other days i feel like designing some type of suit that will withstand some type of bomb that, when i emerge from the suit, in a post-nuclear fashion, i will no longer be surrounded by complete fucking sludge heads that live for almost no other reason than to drive me absolutely mad. and when that idea feels creepishly close to becoming a reality, i just pour myself some more tea and do nothing at all.

i don't think i'd ever be happy waking up and doing the same thing over and over. i don't think i'm happy writing that sentence. how can anyone be comfortable slating absolutes over themselves like they're the sheriff of they're own pathetic cardboard town of a life. i guess i just feel that way because i am so completely without the propensity to stick by anything i decide that out of sheer and complete jealousy for anyone capable of such a feat i can only spew rhetorical hatred that carries about as much weight as the combined poundage of all my finger and toenail clippings.

i miss swimming, and biking, and yoga. i miss many things made accessible to me via a very neat and tidy monday to sunday schedule i could almost be so bold as to render the title "normality" if not, at least consistency. i'd give much of what i have away in exchange for consistency. as i am almost positive that its absence in my life just may very well be the root of most of what i consider to be the cross(es) that i bear. who ever said it first sure had it right. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF. (i think it was thom yorke, circa: the bends)

i still kinda feel in a stupor of some sorts. i'm also completely confident in my desire to want to express just how tired i am of people admiring "how well i'm doing" right now. and fuck me for even thinking it i know. ungreatful whiney cunt. fuck you all for drowning me in an answerless roll of your favourite target practice moments recapped in this delightful 7 series vhs format. it has nothing to do with anybody's measure of gratitude or humility. it has more to do with the soulless fucks who shit out of their mouths and are the absolute farthest thing from genuine affection and human contact. i'm sure a lot of it (well, all of it actually) stems from my resentment that every person i come in contact with while i work is NOT one of my friends. (excluding present company). every person i meet and interact with on tour is not somebody i have a relationship with, and in fact, in turn, this person, having replaced someone of real significance in my life has now assumed the role of mortal enemy, also known as walking piece of shit, or anything else i come up with at the time. and all of that is a result of how much of a detatchment issue i have with home and my family and my friends. who mean, so much to me, so much so, that the very thought of not having them around, let alone, replacing them (temporarily of course) with shit eating smoke blowing faceless industry weaseling fucks that have nothing better to do than waste my time with their senseless observations as to "how great things are going" never once thinking that,"hey, i wonder when the last time somebody asked this guy 'how he's FEELING' as opposed to 'what he's been up to lately'"

i am an enemy of myself and constantly struggle with the fact that for as much as my surroundings are capable of change, i fear i may not entirely be equipped for the equal and often greater forces that surround the ever developing circumstances that keep me both on my knees and at the very same time, fantastically out of breath. i am a calamity. i am progress.

rythm and repetition

2008-02-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

In an interstellar burst
I am back to save the universe

it feels like the secrets i keep the most are the ones i'd rather not let the world in on for sake of peace where there is no notoriety.

as if letting things be weren't enough it takes so much more time and energy to let things become

i've noticed a pattern with my blog. it seems, as always right around early december until somewhere around now i completely dissapear from here and it always feels good but at the same time i miss it terribly. its good to be back.

sweatpants are the new jeans. ketchup sweats seem the hardest to deal with on a day to day basis but i let it slide out of sheer apathy.

speaking of which i'd like a show of hands as to how many would rather just stay in bed all the time.

i'm going to start handing out straight shot's to the mouth anytime someone misconstrews something i say. who the fuck do they think they are misunderstanding me.

i had an incredibly expensive throat doctor shove a 2 foot hose up my nose and down my throat and give me insight as to why i'm such an abusive bastard on myself

its us and them baby

sing us a song. a song to keep us warm.

don't plug the basin. we'll overflow in no time. it's go time.

Bread and Circuses

2008-02-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

In exchange for $3.19 in daily wages, FirestoneNatural Rubber Company, a Bridgestone subsidiary, expects a typical Liberian worker to tap 650 trees a day, carrying seventy-pound buckets of latex for miles. A single laborer would have to work twenty-one hours per day to meet this quota, a near-impossible task. Which is why Firestone gives workers an extra incentive: tap 650 trees per day or see their daily wages slashed in half.

In a country whose economy has been ravaged by 14 years of civil war, Firestone's employees don't have a choice but to comply. With Liberia's 85 percent unemployment rate, there will always be someone desperate enough to take their place.

The 650-tree daily quota policy has led many of Firestone's more than 4,000 employees to enlist their children and wives as workers to ensure that they meet their target. But these extra workers aren't paid any extra. And the children whose families depend on their labor for survival never have the opportunity to go to school.

Of what importance could this really be to me you ask? Probably not a lot. I can't even really tell you why I personally think its worth writing about, but I'm really just growing weary of all the complete and utter bull-shit that bounces off my retinas. But as I was saying,

Bridgestone Firestone North American Tire, the world's largest seller of tires, is spending more than $10 million as "official tire sponsor" of the Super Bowl halftime show in Phoenix, to be broadcast on Fox this evening -- and will likely spend that much and more to sponsor the event in 2009. But the entertainment and advertising images beamed into American (and that nobody up top - Candada)'s living rooms during the most-watched sporting event of the year stand in sharp contrast to the harsh working conditions, child labor and exposure to toxic chemicals at the company's rubber plantations in Liberia.

While Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers perform at halftime and fitness enthusiast Richard Simmons cavorts in the company's commercials aired during the game, Americans should be aware that there's more going on here than just selling tires. The company is using the Super Bowl as a public relations platform to cleanse its image as it faces a class-action lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Indiana, filed by the International Labor Rights Forum, a Washington-based advocacy organization. The ILRF and several plaintiffs accuse the company of committing human rights abuses for its use of child labor in Liberia.

I'm not one of those free-trade coffee whacks that can't find something better to live for but I like I said I guess I'm just getting tired of being completely out of touch with what really happens behind the magic curtain. The guys went to Hard Rock Cafe to purchase appy's and exchange the usual half-hearted rhetoric of whatever the hell is captivating the moment. I'm too comfy in my ketchup stained sweat pants to divulge in sitting up straight in a crammed booth drinking a gross beer. I'm comfy. I'm gonna go read some more. I miss my friends. These canceled shows couldn't have come at a better time. I feel so rested and rejuvenated. Glad we're still doing these shows in Feb. They're gonna kill.

Drink lots of water and read.

I Am The Great Destroyer

2007-12-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

I'm walking in slow-mo now. a lot more than before. even sitting in a busy room everything is starting to sound like noise coming from another room. no Hi and Mid K, just low muffled tones, ambient impersonations of voices taking place in serious conversation. The bubbling in my stomach has stopped being a weird thing and began to take is place as stationary in my neat and tidy corner office of fear and absolute terror.

the farthest away is starting to seem so very unimportant. one foot in front of the other is the mantra of a 21 century billboard style transmission i have come to know as motivation and not the doomsayers opening prayers. the sunshine is still a major factor in keeping things positive. the rain has become a comfort, reminiscent of keeping as warm as you can with someone important. trying to keep as warm as you can all alone in your darkest hour, just as if there was no other way. i havent clipped my nails in a couple days too long. and i couldn't find my nail clippers in my bag so i need to buy new ones, in the meantime i type sounding like my aunty playing the piano with enormous fake nails. (they're not that bad)

making right by people that you care about just might be one of the most liberating feelings accessible to the human heart and soul. not only do you feel stronger for growing the balls to say what you feel and admit your discrepancies, you feel credible and able to act as a pillar in someone else's life once more. you can run so much farther and faster when your pockets aren't filled to the brim with garbage.

i've been keeping to myself more than ever as of late, but not the bad type; the type of reclusiveness that acts as a the sole proprietor of your sanity. and in complete endorsement of being able to make peace with yourself wherever possible. i have no doubt in my mind that i will one day write a book entitled "On Waking To Sleeping: What Not To Do" until then i'll just continue doing research for said non-fiction.

Jimmy Eat World - 23, Just kicked the shit out of me.

"I Won't Always Love These Selfish Things, I Won't Always Live, Not Stopping..."

Hello Cruel World

2007-11-26T15:32:00.001-08:00

This is baby Darla. Darla is an 8 week old Border Collie x Pit Bull. She is a rescue dog from the SPCA. Her and her 7 brothers and sisters were found at approx. 3 weeks old in a card board box on the side of the highway in Abbotsford. She's is now the member of a happy home. MY happy home. Darla likes chasing her red ball, sleeping in my bedroom in front of the big mirror closet door on the spot where the sun shines through, and chewing news paper. I've had a few dogs growing up, but this is the first dog I am going to have to take care of all by myself. Baby Darla is precious and I love her. Cash gifts only please. Thank You!

There's Really No Way To Reach Me

2007-11-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

It's great, I think i've finally become capable of discipline. i AM a rock. i AM an island. a human island. with a boy's ambition and a heart of gold. i stay the same age and the jokes keep getting old. hooks for hands, whores for lies. It's great i feel better. i act better. i'm stronger. i'm better. the bricks get piled higher, and i sit back even farther. comfy. security, how warm and welcoming the perfect calm of security. there is no greater pride than in being loved. and there is no greater emptiness than to have everything. i am no walking billboard. no posterboy.

10 fingers 2 eyes and a heart of demise.

Alcohol

2007-11-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

Alcohol, you can be my girlfriend,
You carry all, and get through this weekend
We've seen it all, now you're my best friend
We've gone too far, just to impress them, and you know it's not
So long as we've been bleeding but as long as we keep needing one another,
We'll be just fine.

send me a smile, light me a fire

2007-10-13T07:13:00.003-07:00

make this stop breaking in place it shouldn't
let us get higher than your parents ever did.
for the past nine months i've been sweating like rocks in the sun on a day in july in the middle of the earth with the fireplace on
and it hurts to pretend that we're not gonna drown like the rest of the sorry sad fucks that get wise and turn ugly and break promises and light fires.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

if attitudes meant everything, i'd be a murderer and a theif and they'd hang me in town square just to watch me pee my pants
and i'd let them and give them a show, i'd drink so much water the day before the janitor would go on strike. but its not my world to premeditate post mortem instances in life. i only control what i can hardly handle. doesn't that sound familiar.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

and if these hands didn't create such idle lamentations and the bastardized version of good times medication didn't hurt so fucking much to swallow that it made you tear up, or could it possibly be we're all just a little to sensitive when it comes to being selfish and wanting to burn this place to the ground? lets get serious for a minute and pretend we all mean something to at least someone, who do the fuck do we think we are taking our loved ones lives into our own hands and heads and minds and lips and fingers.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

its getting colder out. i bundle up wiith a welcoming anticipation of chest colds and sub zero parlays with mother N and her ravenous ensemble of snows and rains and sleets and winds and depressions and luls. in the same instance it gets so much closer to the eruption of what might never see the light of day. a roll of the dice and a clearing of the throat is all we can rely on and hope for and dream of.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

so fuck off with this worried shit, and do me the pleasure of not caring at all. i'm fine, we're all fine, shit we just got back from the mall. with the noises and children and incredulous merchants. so joyous a time as this, what dignity is there in weaving tales of sorrow and misery. but stop with the pleasentries of a day once recreated too many times to count and too little too often.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

in length i digress, in short, lets get started, the thrill of standing on the roof and watching yourself change can scare a weak soul into stern alcoholism. i take pride in my ability to evolve so rapidly-and efficiently, that i can't even begin a meal without growing tired of it before its over. so i'll pass on the pity and schmooze with the cold bite of consequence and solidarity, if it means a better, harder, leaner waste and rock hard abs. bowflex. the total gym.

send me a smile, light me a fire.

Philanthroshutup

2007-09-08T10:43:00.001-07:00

i've been having more fun on this 2 week van propelled college tour than i have in a long time. not because of the shows (even though they've been awesome, and my band rules for doing to back to back hour and a half shows each one more energetic than the last) but more because the guys have been making me laugh so much. we've all been laughing so much lately. its been really fun. i noticed. russ is our tour manager and our newest addition to the group, and he fits like a glove. i'm so happy with his work and he's the most incredible guy to be around. we're lucky. we have a good little family here at hedley entertainment inc.

i ate too many quaker soft chocolate chip cookies yesterday. and today i believe i will pay for that. spiritually. it would also be a great thing for me to invest in some 'below the ankle' socks. just so my feet don't sweat as much as they do without socks.

on our way to sudbury in just a few minutes.

the sun is still out but the air is getting cooler. fall is coming. and i'm very excited. fall means beautiful crisp days, fresher than ever. beautiful orange and red leaves. intimidating rainfalls. and most important of all, LAYERING CLOTHES!!! woot! needless to say i'm stoked. there are some beautiful places in vancouver to go for a nice autumn drive. hopefully i can exploit those opportunities.

i need to do laundry really bad.

i bought a new hat. its red. phillies. i am the sickest MC.

float like a butterfly,

2007-09-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

for the past 9 or 10 months now, i've incorporated a rule into my life that i've followed quite strictly. its been a rule of balance. a balnce of which three crucial elements stand. 3 faucets of my life. Family, Friends, Work. i've followed this rule diligently, always careful to not let one get ahead of the other, and when one seemed to fall behind, sacrifice the time of the other 2 to make sure the weaker becomes strong again. the results have been astounding. i feel confident calling myself Son, Brother, Nephew, Cousin, Uncle, Husband, Buddy, Best Friend, Leader, Follower, Teacher, Student. i've given myself close to no chance to mess this up. always staying on track. focused, determined, assertive, attentive, and very very passionate. even in the last while, i've learned so much. knowing when to listen, when to not, when to put my foot down, and when to give a bit more. i swear to god i'm gonna put this in a book and go tony robins up in this motherfucker. anyway. along the way, there was one minor oversight. me. while i was busy being a son to my mother, a friend to my buddies, turning point to my business, i forgot to be me to myself. don't get me wrong, the system would never work if i didn't have my head on my shoulders. its much more simple than that...

the other day i went to a matinee. with my friend jay. it was a beautiful afternoon. we even walked to the theatre. the movie we saw has nothing to do with this story. (superbad) in the line for snacks (we were very snacky*) two boys were inline with their grandma in front of us. you should have seen the looks on their faces. utterly taken back by the cornucopia of lights, sounds, and oh god... chocolate. they each picked a favorite bar from front. upon receiving their buried treasure i can't even begin to describe the looks of astonishment, and almost clandestine piracy! well i guess i just did. anyway, i started to realize and remember, just how much of a huge fucking deal going to the MOVIES was. holy crap. then i remembered my first movie i ever saw in the theaters. my nonno (raphael) took me and my cousin (joely) to see "the bear" it was incredible. i spilled all my peanut M&M's on the floor and they rolled away. joely just laughed at me. but the movie still ruled. i don't know i what i was getting at. but it was a special moment seeing those boys come unglued about the whole experience.

being adult grounded can really blow.

i bought jeans today. i never buy jeans. it was hot and i sweated a lot in this hot city (toronto) fall's coming though. i think that is my favorite season. you get to start bundling up.

i really miss my friends today. and my family. and i'm such a douche for not calling them as much as i should. it's not that i don't want to talk to them. in any way, its more just when they do call, i normally miss it or i'm just so tired i don't feel like talking. even though all they really want is a quick 5 minutes even. just to say hi and hear my voice. i'm gonna do better. i should. i have to. they're my folks etc. that's a big fucking deal. maybe i'll fly home tomorow.

so much is happening. its only gonna get crazier. new record coming out. first single out. first video shot and in post. i am full of anxiety. i handle it just fine, but i can tell its there. gnawing at my ankle bones like the corner of a sharp coffee table. i'm not falling apart, but its always a stressful time. you never know what could happen and it tears you apart.

i got a haircut. finally. i gave. it's okay. i'm really happy with it. feels more like me again.

i'm gonna go take a multi-vitamin and cut my toes.

goodnight sweetheart, goodnight - the spaniels

Sally Sitwell

2007-08-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

I found this scrap of paper in a pile of papers on my desk...

"Praying is like remembering everything I should have been. It seems like i'm expecting all of this. not so much these small glories, but more this great demise. and its not like i don't know whats coming. i've been fucking schooled. steeped in all of this"

i know how shallow the water is. why are we still diving then? can't blame a fool for trying? you sure fucking can. hold your head up high. its the last living sign of any sort of confidence. you don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be brilliant to pretend to know what you're doing either. hands up if you can't feel the bottom yet!

Hospital Music

2007-08-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

As I sit in the back of the van, listening to the latest release of what could objectively be seen as my favorite artist ever. Having been privileged to hear the sprinklings on both sides of the fence, I know and understand all too much concerning the reality of this death suit. On one side, the sincere praises euphemized. Exasperated. Stifling. Resilient nonetheless. You can rape a purity of all its legitimacy, you can even forget about it entirely. But you will never be able to deny what it is capable of at its best. Inspiration to the bitter end. And on the other side, a commodity draped in all it’s carefully etched business plans. A number, the apex for projections of expenses, supply and demand theorems and the razor sharp wit of marketing execs. that just want to fall in love with something. Nothing feels better than hiding these days.

Farther and farther are we from a time when Hans Zimmer pipes in just at the right time. The heroine rescued, the villain smitten, the sacrificial lamb avenged, our hero, triumphant. Until the first wave of post-pubescent responsibility ridden anxiety crushes every bone in his fairytale world. Bones shatter. Lets not forget how fragile we really are. And how much you really do owe it to yourself to thank god everyday for the strength you’ve been given to get out of bed and say “K... One more try”. Underestimating yourself is the first step to falling apart. Lose faith in what you are capable of, and you’ve lost your grip on reality. Which reminds me. The guy that told me “you create your own reality” needs to be kicked in the mouth by a man wearing a shirt that says “It’s hot out” The sooner we all wake up and realize that everyone sees the same sun rise and we all see the same color of blood gush from buddy’s mouth, the better. That being said, it’s pretty hard to get through to someone who has created their own sense of realism. But really only convicting enough so that they can believe their own horse shit too and don’t look like they’re straight up lying to you as they drag you into bed and use the fuck out of you.

This is my most favorite time of the year. When no matter what time of day or night it is, be in the right place and you can smell fresh cut grass. You can smell life and earth and air. British Columbia is one of the most beautiful places in North America. That is a fact. I’m proud to call it home. A series of fortunate events has occurred and made possible for me to travel a lot more effectively. I’m home more often now. And I’m very happy about that. 2 days off in Regina? Nah, I’ll fly home and meet you guys in Edmonton. Lucky. So Lucky. So Proud. So Something.

I found a turtle. Driving home from the airport about a week ago. It was in the middle of the road. I stopped. Picked it up, put it in my car, and brought it home. It is a Red Slider. It is the biggest Red Slider my Vet has ever seen. It is precisely 12 and a half inches from the front of its shell to the back. This is a big fucking turtle. Instinctively, I named it Ray. It turned out to be a girl, leaving me with the only other obvious choice, Faye. (e is gender specific. Il Vous, Elle Vous, I failed 8th Grade French. Now I stand alone with my stupid English and nothing at all impressive in my back pocket) Faye lives in my garage in a big plastic tub. With a couple rocks and water. Faye is omnivorous. Faye eats red meat. And goldfish! I can’t tell you how excited I was when I first found that out. Immediately I shut out all else that the vet thought necessary to tell me as I stared blank into space and the gears in my bean started to turn. Would I lower the fish down one at a time dangling by a rope? Can I blindfold the fish? Should the fish have a last meal? Then something bright flashed past the window and I lost my train of thought.

*Flash*

Is everything the way you want? Is anything that close to home? Is all we have this pale of grey? Is anything at all for sure? For certain, forsaken, forgotten. Foreclosure on a head and heart who’s lease hasn’t yet expired. That’s communism. Socialism. A freedom prison. Ever wonder if it was possible to free yourself into a nightmare? Make sense of it. How free do you have to be. How liberal, how autonomous must you feel before you start asking yourself “where the fuck did I leave my morals and standards” Just because you can get away with it doesn’t mean you have the right to. We’re starting to forget that what goes up must come down. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (and in a lot of cases, a bloody rude awakening to boot) Only killers call killing “progress”.

Wet’em up before we jump. Don’t let it get too hot down where it counts. Keep your stick on the ice and your dick in your pants. Keep your hands to yourself and an 8” gap when you dance. No one said NOT fucking like rabbits and overpopulating this already bloated boil we call earth full of half-witted ingrates choc-full of Spike TV goodness would be fun. But it doesn’t have to happen out in the open. Have you ever entered a new city at night time? Shining bright in all its glory. The large, glowing, industrious spearhead. The tipping point. And as you get closer your mind begins to wander and you take a stab at figuring just what type of repulsive evil transpires behind closed doors and shut blinds and dark corners and back rooms and basements. And then you throw up in your mouth and Dan has to pull over and open the trailer so you can get a new shirt out of your suitcase (a result of some vomit that dribbled down your chin and onto your white shirt. You had Thai food for dinner so a khaki curry yellow stain now takes the place of pure white nothingness.) you smile as you look down at the sublime embodiment of what made you so flash flood sick to begin with. Don’t worry about that which starts out big. It’s harmless and quite possibly even a bit retarded. But be wary of small beginnings. Nothing tastes that bad in small sips. Baby steps. Do you know how much butter is in a donut? But diluted just enough and you’ve got your self zitty goodness. So go eat 24 Honey Crullers and then marvel in the apathy surrounding girls, younger and younger, dressing like Saigon whores. HEY DAD! This summer it’s short shorts! Next summer, you’re daughter is going to have AIDS! Choices kids! Oh the choices!

One Two Three Four. One Two Three Four.

2007-07-21T01:11:00.001-07:00

Okay. (space)
Pretend for a minute that i'm real
don't fake what you feel, don't hate what is real,
just take a quick second to believe that your face is gonna heal,

today. (space)
I'm not gonna let myself be,
another tragedy, we don't kill for free,
so make like the west nile virus get the fuck away from me.

No way. (space)
they can't get the best of you,
you're somebody too, somehow it gets through.
i won't let something like this take another part of you.

So let's pray. (space)
and hope to God this isn't it,
it's not gonna fit, we didn't plan for shit,
but if we stop now we'll look worse and then really wanna quit.

Ya... And...

2007-07-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

So that time time when fucking buddy's ol man came back up here took daves bike right. and. and. er'since then we can't even fuckin, you know, fuckin have it out right? cuz fuckin.... dave's ol' ladies' ol' man knows jenny parker right? and. and her brother is the guys who come campin with us when we'd go up past stave lake right? and after, we'd bring out the mudder's right. and. and we'd bringer down to the mud. and just fucking, you know, lock it up right? and just go for a one two three split right? and dave's buddy stole his fucking lighter once right. fuck right jacked. he's old man works up past fuckin, hinton right. ya ya, on yer fuckin way up to fuckin, two hills. but after, like fuckin, come fuckin, fall an shit right, buddy's ol man goes back down through fuckin princton right. fuckin crowsnest right. an and, he'd fucking hammer that scottsdale right up the fuckin middle right. propane conversion. and he'd spend the fuckin winter in fuckin uh, fuckin, quensnel. near port alberni right? ya. an his ol man worked at windy point burger in macloud lake right. one time he sold a widby burger to a buddy uh his. and he got real fuckin sick right. an once he got to the hospital his ol man showed up and said he wouldn't pay for the fuckin medical bill right? so buddy's like "buddy, i'm bunged up man. hurt pretty bad buddy" so buddy's ol man fuckin, hits the road eh. ya. so fuckin, fuck it. more cheers more beers. thats its thats all.

the occasional travesty

2007-07-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

i'll let you all be the reason i can't get any closer to myself then where i stand and where i fall. its all the same from half way up so far from bottom and from top. come friday come winter come weekends i'm better. i'm faster i'm higher i'm stronger i'm brighter. i'll stop middle manning all my friends and build my own crab shack half way up and down the same mountain your old man said you should never venture. where t. i. p. be kicking at. i'm sure you all fight the same apathy that disguises itself in a comfy red couch. whispering in your ear sweet little lies. about how not important that sunshine outside is. make sure you can still stand in 5 years fuckers. when ninjas start folding their own laundry you know its time to go for beers with the boys. just ask yourself what would i do without you? you will see its not far off from shooting up behind a dumpster on a monday morning. but kick it like a G. not too hard. just enough to maintain a good high. like a functioning heroin addict. the phone plan junkie: the proverbial evenings and weekends. you on point tip? i already feel like deleting this whole paragraph of shit. i write as if i sat in front of a mirror and just stare in awe at how terribly awsome i am. its the personal propaganda that buying into will only get me killed. or atleast better looking. chick chick... pow.

keep leading me to nothing

2007-07-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

this looks like a mad caper i don't wanna lead and follow. peeling off the wallpaper, waiting for you to swallow. tell me something sweet my dear, make me laugh a little harder. whisper it into my ear, i am not the fire starter. yeah i hold the matches you can smell gas on my fingers. all the dried out patches of grass 12 o'clock the sun it lingers. baking me in to cake or a pastry, or just something sweet i guess. thats tastes so good going down but after leaves you fat and depressed. the question begs though can i stand here. so deep up to my chest in this river. what gives me the strength to hold off even the most severest flow of water. to maintain my footing on an already slippery and uneven ground. so i shut my fists and close them tighter. my smile is dull my eyes no brighter. but here in this place i survive. I am strong I'm relentless. passionate beyond all means. to what end and what service what what place and who's things? its fine though, don't tell me. it should be a secret. we should leave some mystery and eyes to keep it. its cool. so its fine. we've come this far haven't we? so what makes you think we can't stretch our vicinity. but lets keep our heads on our shoulders however. reality isn't going to be this free forever. so slow burn add salt not too light just a grain. and remember to not let this drive you insane. so fuck it. just dress nice and blow cash on shit. don't get loose with your game. be on point and on tip. keep your edge. know your boundaries. don't scared to push them and face consequences submissively. because thats the only way you will ever learn from your mistakes. just never allow your defeats and your mistakes to overtake you. let them be what they are. and react to them however your heart will see fit to do. and never forget to pack heaters or a blades. don't forget to get your own back. first and foremost

incite the riot.

Incite the Riot and Pop Rock the Mother Land

2007-07-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

its about time to believe what you're feeling
to not let go of the dream you're concealing
to face all the heat for the sake of a dream
to be burned to the ground where you once felt stronger
and be taken for the bloodless and the broken no longer
as strong as i stand in my heart in my hand
watch me incite the riot and pop rock the mother land.

compensation at its best

2007-06-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

sunshine
apple pie
orange juice
hugs
skipping
strawberries
sharing
caring
safety
whistling a tune
freedom
shaking hands
cupcakes
jump rope
milkshakes
respect
kindness
hard candy
income tax returns
barbeques
the new testament
extra cream cheese
honesty
fresh cut grass

cause pimpin aint easy no'm'sayin?

you fucking dragon

2007-06-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

you're everything that breaks me down
that makes me cry and hurts my heart
you're everything that makes me trip
and fight and fuck and fall apart
i hate you more than hate can handle
so fuck the way you look at me
straight in my eyes with whipping charm
you make corruption so damn easy
i'll show you what the fuck is hardcore
i'm a god damn blind survivor
you haven't seen anything yet
just wait till i begin starting fires
i'll work your fucking face off sideways
fuck i hate you the most on bad days
what the hell makes you so good
at poisoning every vein from my head to my toes
you serpent you dragon, you embodiment of corruption
you hold in your hand my demise my destruction
but you won't get the best of me
not if i can fucking help it
i've had enough between the eyes
to know i'm not close to finished
so keep smiling your perfect smile my way
its fucking sickening
you're not that close to breaking me
you fucking dragon, this is just the begining.

keep on keepin on!

don't think i havent thunk it

2007-06-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Why is it always, always

Goodnight and Go

Goodnight and Go!

I Am A Walking Catch 22

2007-06-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

and now for some lyrical sex

theres a few things you shuold know before getting closer
its probably in your best interest to know you're
already way out of my league it's pathetic
but don't go so far as to think you'd regret it
its just that i'm more of a pain in the ass
like that kid with the zits in the back of the class
and thats not to say that you'd do any better
it's just that i'm stupid and such a forgetter
but watch as i switch gears and open your eyes
to the upside of drowning and downside of lies
but that still holds no weight to the ways i could kiss you
and make you hold your breath so hard that you wish you
could turn into fingers or earlobes or hips
or where ever you'd find yourself feeling my lips
if you think you feel small in a world full of liars
just wait till i've got you spinning above fires
of hands lips and eye lids and laugh like we're just kids
we'll hide under tables and scream at the stars
and for a minute we'll just sit and know that its ours
this moment this second, this sweating, this life time
this biting and scratching and screaming at night time
to think that a moment this fine could exist
its futile for something this sublime to resist
so fuck it or fight it you're stuck here now with me
i'll make it so hard for your hands to resist me
and when it comes time for this passions denoument
you'll stand like a champ and remember it all went
down just like it did for a without reason or vain
and never forget how we kissed in the rain.

*edit*
"that was good. and by "that was good" i meant "i'm gonna pour hot oil all over your nipples" and by "i'm gonna pour hot oil all over your nipples" i meant "fuck off!""
haha
*edit*

hooks for hands, sluts for eyes, shit for brains and whores for lies

2007-06-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

hide and seek - imogen heap

i'm officially better off. than what you ask? couldn't tell ya. but that feeling you get when you dropped the biggest deuce, or when you get out of a hot shower after being in the cold rain all day, or a big glass of water after a super long run. i dunno. it was a nice drive in to the studio this afternoon. the weather was shit. but it helped. low, dark grey clouds, but bright out. listening to the new imogen heap. holy shit. got home from the studio friday morning at 5am. got home from the studio saturday morning at 4.30am. got home from the studio this morning at 5am. its 7pm. i've been here since 4. saw the guys on tv. chris had a cute shirt on. only caught the red carpet. back to work. this is going to be the best piece of work i have ever created in my life. i am so happy with it, and even though its not even finished, to see where everything has come since january to know is mind boggling. famous last words. because if i was to explode tomorow (thats how i've planned it; death by explosion. not IN an explosion, i'm just going to explode) and if that were to happen tomorrow, these will have been the best possible last words i could have ever left behind. a nice long dark drive home last night revealed to me a few things. i've realized just how much this record is everything that i've (in one way or another) experienced in the last 2 years. its incredible. its a sonic timeline. and if that's not convoluted enough for you, i don't know what will be. anyway. back to work. i drink so much tea that i pee (and i've been counting) 7 times an hour. yes.

It's Funny How Evil Makes Your Vision Blur

2007-06-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

i'll see your prose, and raise you hell.

2007-06-15T18:09:00.001-07:00

becareful what you wish for, don't fish for this glass floor;

i'm not the first to sell you this "i don't know what to tell you" shit
but if its gotta be this way, promise you won't get sick of it
cause everything i'm fighting for is just a happy hour war
and nothing here defines me more than busting rules i've broke before
so carry on and just pretend like none of this will see an end
like everything you hope and dream is nothing like you've ever seen
i'll let you think you thought of it, i bet you think i forgot it
but don't let me remind you twice, forgetfullness will not suffice
will not make do or see you through directing me to be like you
i've worked too motherfucking hard to let you play me like a card
to lose a bunch of shit i earned just to make you giggle and squirm
forgive me if i'm on too strong, you won't be standing before long
i'll have you in my arms again make you believe in secret sin
so careful what your wishing for, when hell comes knocking on your door
remember that i told you so, i hope never ever go
away or somewhere close to there and make me miss the way you care
not over 50 million bucks or just a group of stupid fucks
i have no plans of losing you, and so you know you're stuck with me
i won't settle for more than two, i'm better here with less than three.

so lucky so strong so proud

2007-06-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes when it seems like i work so fucking hard only to win myself a complementary "bang your head against the wall" ticket. i just want to fucking scream. and the best part is that its really no one's fault so that means that, not only do i have no one to blame for the frusteration, i have no one to blame but myself for acting like a complete lunatic. but hey, i guess there's a bright side, the simple fact that i can take a step back, if only for a second, to perpetuate this run on sentence, and see myself for what i am and how stupid i really look with that face on. problem is, its really the only face i have. not to mention my right hand hurts as it is. bones shatter. anyway. back to work. be a big boy. be a man. suck it up. don't let shit bring you down. right? right. peace the fuck out nig*as. i hate ya's all. (but not really)

i hope i'm cut out for this fucking shit.

The News

2007-06-06T18:25:00.001-07:00

we'll never stop.
cause we're only getting better.
we're not making this up,
so just write another letter, i'll be fine.

i think the jist of this whole chunk of my life. well, more specifically, lets say the past 6 months, have been sort of a regeneration. i've done and learned so much in the last while its boggling. i've finally had the time i havent had in such a while to slow way down. to remember how much barbeques and arguments and soccer and songwriting and family really mean to me. its been such a deep breath. the time i've had to sit and really think. to re-build some rather neglected relationships. i really feel like a son again, like a cousin again, like a friend again, like a lover again. there-in-lies the tragedy. come 3 weeks from now, it'll be back to the machine. the neverending rollercoaster of everything i've ever dreamed of. but its different this time. i can already tell. the first while away was good. it gave me a thicker skin. i don't feel the sting so much of countless thanksgivings and birthdays and camping trips missed. i get it. i accept it a little more. not to say that it doesnt still totally fucking suck. my little sister is getting married. cousin joely will be soon too. those are definatly things i won't miss. for the world. but i think its the little things too sometimes. the small surfing trips, the soccer games, (all my friends and our girls entered a soccer beer league. its great. all the other teams are super intense and at half times get super hectic speeches from their coaches. we don't even have a coach. at half time its "hey! good to see you! you changed your hair color!" "hey dude! i heard you moved!" "hey brandon, come pick up your cables at my house!" its the best thing ever.) i dunno. maybe i'm old fashioned. but that shit means so fucking much to me. i think maybe because its so real. i've had the opportunity to span a small chunk of the globe and witness how much of it is really just pure shit. cardboard towns and plastic people. i know there is good in the world. and the ammount of good people there are in this world would probably stagger me. i guess i'm only exposed to certain constituencies. i guess its also means i know where my heart is. i think its a stronger root than i thought. but lets not get too carried away. lord knows i cannot wait to stand up in front of the mob and show them what the fuck they've been missing all their lives. don't get me wrong. i've never been more passionate about anything in my life. music. it consumes me. i've got the balancing act pretty close to down. you can't work your balls off monday to friday if saturday and sunday aren't happy. and don't you fucking forget it.

this is barrenst crantsbridge reporting for chanel 6 news. put it in your fanny.

Breakfast In Bed

2007-06-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

now maybe i'm a little bit crazy
but i don't think i've got it wrong
I even made breakfast in bed girl
but you've fit more in this bed when i'm gone

how does it feel? to be loved by your enemies, hated by everything real
thats why we don't steal, from the ones in the family, thats not part of the deal

I can't believe i couldnt see through
the way you would lie through your smile
I even made breakfast in bed girl
but you've had your fill on these lies for a while

how does it feel? to be loved by an enemy, hated by everything real
thats why we don't steal, from the ones in the family, thats not part of the deal

so i'm not the one with the problem,
yeah it hurts but my god i'm not dead
and i even made breakfest in bed girl
but you ordered the break instead

how does it feel? to be loved by an enemy, hated by everything real
thats why we don't steal, from the ones in the family, thats not part of the deal
thats why we don't steal, from the ones in the family, thats not part of the deal

ashotinthedark:

2007-06-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

crimson and clover - tommy james and the shondells
stay in the light - honeymoon suite
chantilly lace - jerry lee lewis

"___________ That Need To Be Punched"

2007-06-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

up first on jakes'

"_______ That Need To Be Punched" List:

THIS DUMB BITCH!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=69Grnh7Qin8

btw this list is pretty much things that make me so god damn angry, they don't even need explanations as to why.

never too late

2007-05-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

hoping i can run today and get away faster
then ever from here
another night and who's to say if leaving is better
then living in fear

here's to all the broken hearts tonight
here's to all the fall aparts tonight
here's to every girl and boy who lost their joy
they let it get away

you know its never too late
to get up and start all over again
you know its never too late
there's gotta be a better way
don't settle for the cold and rain
it's not too late to start again
find a way to smile and never let it get away

its been a while and we've been down and out without laughter,
no smiling just tears
i'm tired of falling down and being such a disaster,
we've been here for years

here's to all the broken hears tonight
here's to all the fall aparts tonight
here's to every girl and boy who lost their joy
they let it get away you know its

never too late
to get up and start all over again
you know its never too late
there's gotta be a better way
don't settle for the cold and rain
it's not too late to start again
find a way to smile and never let it get away

i'm gone, i'm gone, there's gotta be a better way i'm gone
i'm gone, i'm gone, there's gotta be a better way i'm gone
i'm gone, i'm gone, there's gotta be a better way i'm gone
i'm gone, i'm gone, there's gotta be a better way i'm gone

ashotinthedark

Wendell Pinset

2007-05-30T16:48:00.001-07:00

In order to truly appreciate this fiction, you'll need to download this file. the music came first. now lets make up a story.

http://download.yousendit.com/F05412CD38B543CF

(Put that song on repeat, and read on.)

'and believe me. I could butter you up all day in hopes that one day it all works out and I get to hold you in my arms and whisk you away to a magical place where clothes are made of kisses and taste is the only sensation you will really ever need.'

Wendell Pinset

Wendell is a seventy-one year old man. Well technically he's not anymore. Wendell Pinset is dead. He died about 9 days ago. In bed. With his family near by. Well. Around the bed. Wendell lived a long, prosperous and happy life. So it seemed. For a 71-year-old man, he was hell on wheels. (his legs worked fine) always making wisecracks, one-liners, and sweet romantic comments to older woman and younger woman alike. His merriment was infectious. Wendell was a strong man, which attributed to his Gerber Daisy longevity. He's dead now though. A good death. The kind where, as a reader, you are ready for and can welcome with only the slightest sting of reality at its worst. The music tells the tale better than words seem to. The way it describes, most specifically, his final minutes, even seconds. The way you can envision his eyelids dying to stay open for a just a few more seconds of lifetime and sunlight. The way everything seems to happen at once. The way his daughters grip on his arm tightens just that much more as a tear leaves her eye and drips onto his hospital gown. But sheâ€™s smiling. How big of her. How strong of her. To stand and look this crippling disease right in the face and say, 'You may be stripping me of everything I know and love, but you will not break me. No, you will take a part of me with you. She has come a long way since they we're all first given the news of dad's condition. And in the months to follow, leading up to his death they would see a man truly live out the most impactive denoument. Carpe Diem is for the scripted. This man defined conclusion. With an exclusive understanding of what was and what will be. The part I've left out is this. Wendell lived, but he lived with a closet full of skeletons. A past full of vindictive tragedies, the kind you only fully revisit in your sleep, or when its raining really hard. But boy how this man could act. And the only thing that made it that much worse, was the fact that he lived it alone. A life, not of lies, but from lies. We'd all be lying to ourselves if we said there was not a past from which we wish we never survived. Well, maybe not, but its arguable as to whether or not you can judge how much one has lived by the measure of their regrets. Wendell loved though. Always. Everything. Everyway. He lived with such a hunger and a fire. With such a determination and a lust for life and adventure. Even though we're born to doubt it, he seemed to carry such a flame in his eyes, and from even a young age, influenced so much good in this world. And when the time came for his number to be drawn, upon diagnosis, he realized that it was in these few months he had left the most, that he would truly revise a love that so desperately needed to change. Wendell wasn't married anymore, although a ladies man, throughout his life he loved many and many loved him back. But in turn he left a long trail of broken hearts and tattered bonds. He had managed to give away so much of himself to so many people yet still hold onto everything that made him who he was. Was it just an animalistic need for consumption? Or did he really have that much love to give. Whatever it was, it took its toll. Its funny how in most cases, the most comfortable places in life seems to be just seconds away from hitting bottom. And in this case, it was all of the above. Nothing says wake up and make good, like a crippling terminal illness. Wendell was not a quitter by any standard. It may have been his pride alone that got him as far as he did, but something changed. It was only once he realized the severity of his case that time seemed to have a governor. A limit. An end. And that sooner or later, he would meet this end. It was up to Wendell to decide how it would take place. The months to follow were almost unbearable at times. Painful, embarrassing, and ever so discomposing. but nothing could break him. And oh how inspiring it was to watch him endure even the darkest days with such a contentment for life and love for his family. 'a chipper old fellow, always making people smile' Wendell is described by a nurse who was with him in his last days. She was able to witness a turning point in him, a place where he seemed to let go of so much hurt, or what seemed to be, just a past of regrets. 'He seemed to have just let it all go'. Truly, a milestone. More than for himself, it made those who love him, so much stronger. To see him embrace his rounding existence with such pride and strength. It gave birth to an acceptance that would carry his children through this process with much resolve. And in the last seconds, as his eyelids reluctantly inched towards each other, a smile passed across his face, a cold, dying sort of smile. But one that held such contentment and release. The kind that made the viewer cringe only in the slightest, for there was so much more going on behind that half cocked grin, that as one close to him could only assume, Dad had made peace with himself. The kind of story where even the smallest adjustments in character and time and place seem to take such an effect on the viewer. The kind that makes you wish you could only be that lucky. Look both ways before you cross the street.

-JWH

a crisp varnish and a fast smile

2007-05-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

today is so fucking hot. today is so fucking straight. direct. the kind of day where you come close to running out of devices. and accidentally bump into yourself more than once. 2 steps forward 9 steps into the middle of nowhere. i guess we all lie to ourselves even a little bit. i think the days it burns the most are the best days. when theres no room to shed light on outside discrepancies and you're left to the sound of the sweet wreckage of your own internalized war; but your skin tone rocks. the kind that makes you cry just thinking about it. the way you wish your chest would just rip open so your heart could sneak a breath of fresh air. not too fresh though. especially round here. not in my atmosphere. where it rains when its sunny and its too hot out when its actually raining. (<- well. that was a fucking depress.) that suffocating feeling you get when you've had your head under the covers one second too long. if it werent for the sharp lack of sad piano music playing in my head constantly i would probably be a walking ship wreck of tears and nice clothes. bright eyes and knives in my back pockets. funny how you never seem to get a handle on said knives though. they're normally too busy being stuck so far into your own back you begin to mistake the excrutiating pain for the commmon discomforts of moments you won't think about any more. but they're there. the way pizza stains on your tie. it doesnt go away. that was a nice fucking tie too. good pizza though. although, a little too meaty. i miss doing my hair. i think lately the complete lack of attention payed to any sort of personal grooming or care has given me the time to think more. i know. i'm that bad. you'd get that way too. why do you think fish look so nice. especially in the bowl. pizza's here. i hope there's roasted red peppers on it. if not i'm gonna freak out and do some heavy diva shit. i'm gonna leave as soon as i eat. the sun is just too beautiful to stay inside. a nice drive. here i come. a good release. i think i'll speed too. its the best deep breath you can take in an age of luke warm dust free incubation. i'll never take it for granted. that and a really sharp knife.

crispy.

Happy Birthday To My Balls!

2007-05-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

so my birthday is comming up. it'll be around july 9th. and i decided i don't want anybody to get me anything. EXCEPT! undies. not just any undies. baby ribs. if you want to get me a present for my birthday (i highly recomend it.) let it be a present for my balls. affordable at any quantity. the american apparel baby rib mens brief retails at $15! i am a size small and, well, lets face it. can never have to much underwear. so i decided i want everyone to get me only these. i want them by the dozens! and you can pick the color! thats right mom! whatever color you want me to wear i'll wear! huzzah! this way, at the end of the day, your wallet is heavier, and my package is greener. or reder or bluer or blacker or greyer or neon pinker etc.

http://store.americanapparel.ca/4415.html#i

happy birthday me!

Smooth Hermans

2007-05-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

so i just finished editing a video thats gonna go up on monday. and i realized (aside from the fact that we're all a bunch of total jackasses) that i am having the absolute time of my life. yesterday (thursday) was a big day for lyrics. up until yesterday everything was in its 2nd or 3rd draft and almost done save for the odd song with missing chorus lines or just little holes and gaps here and there. and lots of tweaking needed to be done. anyway. yesterday was just a really big day and the lyrics as a whole turned a real big corner. they've got me super excited. today was my 32nd yoga class in a row. i threw up after. i don't know why. but right around the 3/4 mark i started to get super dizzy. oh well. i bought strawberries this morning. i'm gonna eat them today. maybe save some to throw at cars. i'm stoked. starting to get the itch again. (no not THAT itch, i cured that with a full bottle of brandy) the touring itch. just a little excited to get back out and show off all our new songs. the mmva's are coming up. i think i'll do my hair. i havent done my hair since, uh, jesus, the fall of last year. interesting. we'll see how it works. i've gotta go in and get some more tattoo work also, before i take off. gonna finish up the top of my arm and add to my chest. and maybe get a special quote i've been wanting to get for a long time. oh and my ankles. maybe i'll make an effort to get a tattoo in every city. we'll see. maybe i'll just get a picture of greig nori on my back. maybe i won't.

won't
will not
wouldn't
would not
can't
can not
shant
shall not

i'm gonna go lick the back of my fingers and write down what they taste like.

famous last words: sooner or later

For the Nights I Can’t Remember

2007-05-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

I see it in the way you do
What no one else could ever get through
Holding back till I come around
Time and time again you wait for me to come in
Did you really look my way
Cause no one could have seen this coming
I would never let you down
Running backwards in full time

So I can, and I will, and you’ll see,
Your hero come running
Over and over tonight

Cause I do wanna love you
And I do wanna try
Cause if falling for you girl is crazy
Then I’m going out of my mind
So hold back your tears this time

Me, I’m used to being tired and bloody
But you believe that I could be somebody
You put your world on hold for me
You gave away to follow failure through the fire
I need you to know I will
Believe me girl I’m really tired of running
I just wanna hold your hand
And stare at you like you’ve got everything I’m needing

So I can, and I will, and you’ll see,
Your hero come running
Over and over tonight

Cause I do wanna love you
And I do wanna try
Cause if falling for you girl is crazy
Then I’m going out of my mind
So hold back your tears this time

What if I never said to you I was dynamite?
What if I never told you I’m afraid to cry?
What if I never let you down and said I’m sorry for the nights I can’t remember?
What if I never said to you I would try?

Cause I do wanna love you
And I do wanna try
Cause if falling for you girl is crazy
Then I’m going out of my mind
So hold back your tears this time
Cause I do wanna love you
And I do wanna try
Cause if falling for you girl is crazy
Then I’m going out of my mind
So hold back your tears this time
Hold back your tears this time

FFTFF

2007-05-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

and now a list of names i just made up.

brandst westbridge
slane redsockets
faundy mckinley
steve fosterweather
granst barreckston
angelie macnamara
brindle nash
fedge brackslind
corvy housegrind
lindin gest
red sinceboch
kent grislin
anderson fortnight
glasp rackmine
terry sawchuck
cliff shand
mickle hargrove
les costerflint
wendle pinsets

...and I won't go back to you.

2007-05-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

in a time when everything was free
and the whole damn world revolved around me
i can't go back, and i won't go back to you
to believe somebody else could pay
for mistakes i so carelessly made,
i can't go back, and i won't go back to you

but i can't set free this part of me
when i'm crawling back to you
and i won't let you forget how far we've gone

i ate too much food at my nonna's last night
i brought my dad to yoga today
today was my 28th (4 weeks) class in a row
today i'm wearing a blue hoodie
;the same blue you're gonna get very familiar with
i move into the new house i just bought next friday
i start tracking vocals this saturday
i had a chicken sandwich from starbucks today
;it expired yesterday
i had a dream i died in a car crash last night
;ironically i drove like a fucking moron today
i think i'm gonna call my publishing company "Name Brand Shoes Entertainment"
i finally decided not to buy a puppy dog.
;i just don't have the time it would need from me

and now a short list of things that make me want to punch myself in the face

dissafected emo kids
slow drivers
loud people at the bank; yoga; coffee shop
contemporary R&B
girls with furry boots
television
television commercials
mcdonalds
the bright side of things
smart cars
the battery life on my computer
hangnails
people that are afraid of stupid things
acne
overly large people that sit next to me on a flight
facebook, myspace, all the other online showoff slutfests
C-Sides
any and every "who's who of rock & roll party"
people that have sensitive egos
when i wash my car by hand and then it gets dirty right away
breaking a guitar string
tryinig to pull up a zipper really hard and actually punching yourself in the face
my fucking piece of shit attitude

in other news, i have done a bit of an inventory and realized that i can not believe how many songs i have written and recorded that are just me and piano or me and acoustic guitar that will not be making this record. it excites me. there is A LOT of material lying in wait. i plan on making even more.

touring season is at hand and we have yet to rehearse our freshly written/recorded songs. i recomend you don't come to the first 5 shows we have scheduled, they will be more of a rehearsal than anything else. which actually will make for quite the eventful show.

my hands are cold. i'm going inside. despite the early morning showers, the sun set quite nice today. i'll never stop appreciating sun on my face.

put it in your cap.

You are the yellow bird I've been waiting for.

2007-05-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

how many times can i sit and pretend that polaroids lie. that lazy days are safer. that my goal in life is to have it all. thats pretending. thats just a funny story with some pretty fucking heavy consequences. its like a happy kids book. but except at the end your heart explodes inside your chest and blood comes out of you. like the serious kind. serious ways. like out of your ears. you are the yellow bird i've been waiting for. the best days are the half cloudy kind. birds fly closer to the ground. its warm but the air carries a bleak sense of dark. don't just call me when you're drunk. none of this can wait. in one ear and out every way possible. out of time. and out of your god damn mind. there are entire civilizations being built on the side of entire mountains that have been swept under the rug. its really hard to not notice. most people just stand and stare. and point. like its the 50's and you're working for the fucking circus. nothing like being on the road. the traveling fish bowl. practice your answers kids. make them sound real. get them all to the point where you even pretend to make them up for the first time; everytime. thats when you're ahead of the pack. i bet you'll never know what grade i got in acting class. it makes me want to pull my hair out. you know the days; and don't fucking lie to me, cause everyone has them, when you find yourself on a balcony, or a roof top, or just somewhere up high, and you just think to yourself and wonder. what exactly would happen if i jumped off right now? i know how selfish i am. cause i don't think about my family, or how they'd feel, or how people would feel about it. i think about how i'd land. how i'd splatter. would my glasses stay on? my shoes? maybe i'll time it just right and land on a car. maybe the driver will have the radio loud and not notice i just slammed into the roof of his car. exploding all the glass out of the back windows. maybe he'll just keep driving. maybe i'll be lucky and ken (driver of the car) will be deciding to go for a nice drive that day. maybe my splattered carcas will get a nice scenic tour of the country side. maybe down to the water. flying down marine drive, music blaring. my distorted body spread out overtop of the roof of the station wagon. hopefully i'll be able to maintain a nice vacant stare up at nowhere. maybe ken will run a red light. maybe there'll be one of those nifty red light cameras to catch the speeding culprits in the act. maybe it'll take my picture. maybe the wind will be just strong enough to push the sides of my mouth up to look like i'm smiling. maybe someone down at the presinct will recognize me and call my parents. but maybe ken drives to mexico.

stuff me full of candy and take your best shot.

maybe my glasses will stay on!

enjoy your day!

:)

Beyond Belief - Costello = WICKIDAWSOME

2007-05-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

i had a mild anxiety attack today in the car on the way to yoga. really odd. it was so sunny out and the music i was listening to was so happy and i had just left from a really good meeting. but for some reason i was really overtaken with what seemed to be quite the looming depression. even in yoga today, i was so distracted. until about 1/3 of the way through class. i came to a posture i can never do. and something overcame me. almost vehement. i became so focussed. i nailed the posture. it looks alittle like this (except without the training bra)

anyway. i realized something about myself today. it was quite the revelation. i have always been so afraid of my weaknesses. i decided today that i won't allow that anymore. i've decided to take alittle more control.

i am finished feeling powerless.

http://hedleyonline.com/media/vblog/051507.mov

ps - no more underwear either.

compartmentalized and keeping it classy

2007-05-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

close captioned and catereing close to climbing back down to carry what i carved out of cancelled cardiovascular lines. maintnence man. is a man who is very good at maintaining. i'm going to cut several of my jeans into shorts this week. okay maybe just one pair. or two. we'll see. always a fun time of year. bitching camaro. its a bit cloudy. kinda of a dark nice tho. because all the fucking meatheads i watched drive down to the beach all day to be in the sun and show their feathers are bummed now cause the sun is gone. haha. i am so busy these days. and i'm getting away with it by the skin of my teeth. just barely remembering appointments. just hardly squeezing in time to make everything work. balancing. a balancing act. balance.

bal-ance |ˈbaləns|
noun
a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions
: overseas investments can add balance to an investment portfolio | [in sing.]
try to keep a balance between work and relaxation.

self medication:
rolo milkshakes
yoga
sunshine
music
family
driving fast
celebrating the times

a good old shang hai

helpless is almost easier. cause if you're actually helpless, you have EVERYTHING to blame your bullshit on.

no blamey.

You Were Everything To Me

2007-05-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

i started video blogs today. for the first time. but i forgot my cable. so i'll upload and edit it tomorow. and then it should be uploaded on the server and a link will be provided here on the blog. and from there you can put it in your fanny. we'll see how it goes. let me know what you think. if they're working. no don't. keep it to yourself. having an opinion is just having another product to sell. but hey. everyone owns a vacuum right? how the fuck do you spell vacuum. questionmark.

the excellent shawn at the front desk. stellar fellar.

kitchen

tommy and deaner, trackin the bass

my zone, upstairs. in vibeville.

dave rosin and dave genn going out to celebrate. shortly thereafter, i follow.

the outside patio up in vibeville!

the sickest place to be.

time of life being had.

yzzzzzr.

Jesus Loves You... ...He'd Love You More If You Had Nicer Things Though.

2007-05-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

i think i'm gonna be more thrifty. from now on. i woke up at 10.45 today. made it just in time to complete my 17th hot yoga class in a row. they're making me a cd. of 7 classes. same class, just intstructed 7 different times. so that i have a fresh class 7 days a week. throw that onto my ipod and can just wear my ipod mini and little headphones and do yoga wherever i am. i've been bouncing around the idea of just exaclty how many days i want to do this in a row. i'm up to 17 and have the luxury to afford (afford the time) to do another 20 days in a row of clases. before things get hectic with touring and schedules and flights and bla bla bla every day. but i'm curious as to whether or not i have the discipline to do this every day while on tour. no matter what. even if its in the bathroom at an airport. i think i might wanna try
for 30 days in a row first. and if, at 30 days i feel like i can carry on throughout the first chunk of touring season i'll then set another 30 day goal. and if i can get through that, then i can do 90 straight no problem. i'll take baby steps. in thirds. 1/3 = 30. and that is about the extent of my mathematical genius. fuck math. no. actually don't. please don't fuck math. i beg of you. its funny how the one subject i hated the most. i live in it. music. FRAMING! for god sake! you have to know alot of math to be an efficient framer. maybe i'll just open up a good will store. jeez. thats not a bad idea. i'll call it "someone else's undies". yes. i'm stoked. i'm stoked for this summer. touring is gonna start soon. i'm gonna have a lot on my plate. i want to keep the video blog going all year (lets start by starting it!) i want to try and do yoga every day. i want to keep writing while we tour. keep that exercise natural. meh. i'm a dreamer. we'll see how i do.

i don't wear shoes anymore

i'm jakes.

On Living.

2007-05-09T18:02:00.001-07:00

This is about me. Its about the fall to my knees. Its about me waking up and having to do it the hard way. I’d give anything for a second chance. It’s about me wanting to start over. I regret. I finally have a regret. If I could go back in time to change what happened I would. In time to stop what happened I would. I hate who I was. How careless I was. Who I became I could do anything for a day to start again. To be free. I don’t want to fall for the same mistake again. Be another same old story. A sad story. If only I had one more shot. To start over again and really live. To do it right. I just want to fall apart when I think about what I’ve done. I ca’nt even think about it. It hurts. Is there really anybody home up there? Above me? I’m just getting older now. The nights are only getting colder. I do’t know how I changed. But I know I can’t ask why. I already know why. And now all I can do is pray for a fresh start. A second chance. A chance to make things right. I will fight for a chance to live again. Really live. EVERYTHING, EVERYWAY. I would do anything for it. I know it will happen I’m excited. I can’t wait. For the moment when I know I’m alive. The reason I’ve been brought to my knees. I’ll always come back up. Never give up. That’s why I’m a fighter. Well. There are a few reasons as to why I’m a fighter. The need to change. The desire to return. I’m excited. Truly. I'm excited. and happy. very.

i laughed i cried i put it in my cap.

Personal Video Blogs.

Starting Next Week.

Put It In Your Cap

2007-05-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

its a good thing i didn't wear plad today. dave genna AND dave rosin are wearing plad. who am i kidding. i never wear plad. infact i should probably change my shirt. its been about 4 days running now. its nice. its the rolling stones one. i can't seem to get rid of it. today was my 12th hot yoga class in a row. unfortunatly i didn't eat dinner last night OR breakfast this morning, so at about 1 hour and 15 minutes into the class, i started to see A LOT of colors! but i'm fine. i went to my local meat-head-imporium and got my self a protein powerblast thermo enzyme boosting electrolyte rich thirst shattering carb crazy thundershake. served to me by only the most handsome mimbo i've ever met. awsome. bra. we're working on old school and on a song called "for the nights i'll never remember" (<- working title) it's been a great environment in the studio lately. everyone's super in tune and vibing and we're coming up with some incredible material. the creative process is functioning. we are so excited to launch this record.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

IT'S STARTING AGAIN.

SEPTEMBER 2007.

* when you find a nickel while you're on the go, don't just blow it on a picture show! put it in your cap! put it in your cap!

oiler!

2007-05-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

remember when how much we're awsome right now?

wrap your head around that!

and the rain has a funny way of smelling like you.

2007-05-03T20:10:00.001-07:00

there is somethinig SO SAFE about what seems like everybody seems to hate.

miles' oleo but in 6/8 for the backbreak. mo fuckuh.

2007-05-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

hello good friend. its been a while. its been some time. its been too much for me to handle by myself. great timing. oh and great hair. oh and great to see you're still into kicking ass and taking narcotics to trick them into thinking you've made sense. i havent. therefore you havent. don't forget how intune we really are. why its not possible to make sense of what we know feels best. forget it. you'll know what i'm talking about when your back for good. some things to take note while you've been gone. i did some heavy renovations to the place. really changed things around. i wasn't sure what the neighbors would think, so incase they ask. nothing happened. the show must go on* i don't think you'll be able to keep up with me anymore though! i've gotten much faster! in one sense, i guess though, maybe i SHOULD be so wary as to think that possibly, the idea that you cannot keep up with me would have anything to do with the likelihood of me not being able to slow down fast enough for you. HA! put that in your pipe and smoke it. i do. no one ever said self medication should be boring! and hey. a little easier on the vice, a little harder on the heart right! but enough about me. tell me about you. no wait don't. i'll just watch. and listen. did i mention you look incredible in those jeans. oh. and i don't think you have my new number!

you don't even know.

just keep me where the light is!

2007-05-03T15:41:00.001-07:00

paint me a mountain with grass on the ground.
make me dreamer with faults all around
let me believe its the air thats so loud
let me be me and i won't turn around.
not for you. not for anyone.
these failed to mention positves have failed to get me by
so turn the page and shut your eyes, i hope we all go blind
its been so long since everyone,said goodbye at the same damn time

the faster i let go of everything i can't change
the harder i fight for what i can and i will.
the harder i fight for what i love and what i believe

but without letting go of everything inevitable, i will never stop
i cannot and will not believe in what i am supposed to be.
theres so much more to all of this than i am led to understand
a cardboard stand up sheriff in this cardboard stand up town.
i prayed for no wind.
no secrets to be unveiled.
the wind came.
i am unraveled.
revealed.

Embarrassed

And here on my knees,
As the hair on my back of my neck begins to stand tall;
Its funny how almost electric it can feel when shame turns to pride;
And here at the bottom I will rebuild this city.
Strong. True. With a hint of Obnoxious.

Then I’ll go and get a 10 piece box of chicken nuggets and scarf them down as fast as I can. Then a four litre jug of milk. Right after. Straight down. All of it. And I’ll make sure I’m in dave’s car when I puke. Just to see what he does. He’ll probably punch me. I’ll try and film it.

I hope I understand where I’m going with this. I won’t. I guess I’m just nervous. Don’t ever try to expect the unexpected. The unexpected has a funny way of always being smarter than you.

And yes. Plan B is to just give’r.

It's Okay, Jesus Wears Rebok Pumps Too.

2007-05-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

cough it up. lets hear it.

2007-05-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

it seems like a pretty good out. if the angels don't bother backing back down. the make-up's on and the pipe organs blaring. they'll stop you from crying and they'll stop you from caring. all that i wanted was you. you ruined my life. you made it come true. now i'm dragging my feet to the sound of the blue. and the rain has a funny way of smelling like you.

the rain has a funny way of smelling like you.

these are two important people in my life. my best cousin and my best friend.

i am a scenario

2007-05-01T16:36:00.001-07:00

scenario |səˈne(ə)rēˌō; -ˈnär-|
noun ( pl. -os)
• a postulated sequence or development of events
: a possible scenario is that johnny was punched in the shoulder by his bigger brother. so much so, that johnny developed an inferiority complex and began to build up walls in his life against the antagonists of his child hood. in doing so, johnny realized the value in his own weakness. johnny is only human. just like everyone around him. even the common foe. yes, even the most menacing enemy has his achilles heel, his 'right between the eyes'. johnny has realized that survival is only a matter of suffering the inevitable and manipulating the susceptible. and this being the basis of even the most primative warfare, johnny eyes dug a little deeper. pierced a little deeper. and burned. a little deeper. not to say they all lived happily ever after. even if it is true. what doesn't kill you, is sure to leave a horrible scar. johnny experienced his fair share of scars. but a long the way lived the life of a warrior poet. not so much 'braveheart' mel gibson, as much as 'the patriot' mel gibson. in the end johnny was happy to settle into his little hole of enlightened abandonement. having ruled out all the love in his life, allthough completely aware of it, is erroded by the wheathering footprints of relationships. alone. cold. on top of the world. at least you can see all the swimming pools from up here. beware this trend setting stereotype tragedy. mind you. i wouldn't be too worried. if you avoid it you're fine. and if you get swept up into it, thats fine too. you won't even know it's got you. it's that good. and lets not kid ourselves and try and get too ahead. you can't stop the rock. and YES. you ARE just one person. there IS only so much you can do. never win. don't try. feed the machine. buy coca cola, channel, converse, levis and quiksilver. buy it lots. buy it often. look like something. become someone. you're most likely going to miss the mark, even just slightly. there can only be so many bullseyes. but stay where you are. you won't even know you're gone.

kisses.

dad always knew i was a natural born killer, he just never told me. he wanted me to find out for myself.

2007-04-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

dont you fucking know what you are?

lets all get back to where you've been love

the fresher the air the hotter my concience. clear, like a rainy day. but fresh like a dandilions yellow.i need this to hold on to, just as much as you do too. we're not far off from bottm lines and rosy cheeks and traffic fines. thats the last time i let 10 year olds wash my car for a good cause. ever tried counting all the bricks on a cobble stone road. while driving? i do. i do all the time. all day long. every day. it mostly explains the half awake relativity most of us glide through this previous and upcomming week with. fine by me. the less i have to hear all the yammering on about canucks and sounds, and trucks and bands, and competition and condescent, and indecision and resentment. the sun is out. its warm on my toes. its making me squint, subsequently, hard to see the screen. thats fine. i feel like a detective when i squint. like the whole world is sneaking around and doesnt know that i've got my eye on it. watching. noting. compiling evidence against it. and one day i'll stop by its house and drop off a dosier chock-full-o evidence concering the world and its whereabouts and activities. then i'll light it on fire, and promise to let the world off the hook... if it goes down on me. and don't think that's too far fucking off of anybody looking to get theirs. their piece. their 15 seconds. their pay off. their revenge. what the human being would dare to do. will for ever shock and amaze you.

francis' nose is alittle wet. this dog commands peace. its gentle. quiet. its long orange hair is softly blowing in the wind right now. like a roomance novel cover. for golden labs. i'm gonna get a dog. i'm excited. i don't know when. but i'm getting one. and his name is gonna be 'whalley'. i don't know what kind of dog its gonna be, but it needs to be a 'whalley'.

you make this all go away. you make it all seem alittle farther and little watery. which is fine. you need at least 2.5 litres a day.
so remember kids. stay hydrated and fight fist first.

this is the street my house is on.

you asked for a magic show but all you got was some half assed tricks and a couple of clowns with guns

2007-04-26T19:33:00.001-07:00

so here we are. in the stood. locked down. finally rolling. we've begun drums, and as per usual, mr. crippin is crushing. tom and dave are playing along and we're pre-pro'ing as we go. we asked for an extra week so we could feel alittle more secure with the pre-pro. and its working. we have the breathing room and we're blazing through the songs. its gonna be a great record. we're all really happy with the studio. it was tom's birthday last night, we got him a cake, and a banner and i got him a rad present! (okay i can't keep a secret, i bought a toy horse and a toy pig and i glued the horse to the pig so that it looks like the the horse is sexing up the pig.) i rule. dave and i went to the store today and bought a bunch of bags of little green army men and we're decorating the whole studio. we're all having a great time. this is going to be such a great record! we're all very excited! and you guys won't know what hit you! i promise that you will listen through the whole record and fall in love with every song. haha. thats bold eh! yeah. i'm probably lying! haha. anyway. i'm gonna go eat some potatoe salad. OH! and in true a.d.d. fashion, i've found a new hobbie! HOT yoga! yes! its incredible! i've now gone 3 days in a row and i'm going to try and do an entire month in a row. 31 days. we'll see! anyway. here are my picks of pics of the week!

word to a mother.

on throwing love;

2007-04-23T00:35:00.000-07:00

please, be careful love, of throwing love, at lovers; my love.

love may not always land where you wish it to land. your aim is seldom acurate, and often wild and unpredictable.

also, to throw love at ones face is both perilous, and quasi-flirtatious, neither terribly indictable, but both being most certainly lucrative.

in turn, i offer you a letter my love, on love, in love. as a return toss of my love, to where ever it may land, i pray you accept it graciously wherever. be it your face, your elbow, your rotator cuff or your fanny, may it land with the most unpretentious grace. i sound like a 50 year old. 2001. the chronic.

below:
a picture i took, while at my most favourite place in the whole world.

water street

2007-03-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

so here i am. on a warm saturday afternoon. day 6 in a row. day 6 of 14 hour days. its going great. greig nori is in the jam space right now mixing a few pre-pro demos we did yesterday so i thought i'd stick my big italian nose out from our dungeon of a jam space. we've turned our practice space into a mini recording studio as we pre-produce the songs before jumping into the studio. we're super excited at how great these songs are sounding. oooh, and we may or may not have written quite a few bangers for you guys these last few days. greig has been doing an incredible job. we're right now in the process of choosing which studio to record at. do we want the hustle and bustle and beautiful bc charm of the downtown vancouver. or do we want the green, west coast feel of white rock bc. right on the beach. we'll see. for now i'm gonna decide what i want in my coffee, what sweat pants to wear to the junos and what to put in greigs coffee so he breaks out in hives. miss you guys alot. see you sooner than later. below are a few shots of the sunny historical gas town area where we jam. how can you not love this city.

thai is the new japanese.

holler.

buy one get one half off

2007-03-15T10:02:00.001-07:00

free. half off. free. 2 for 1. ssssNAP. 1337. theres nothing i can say, to make you stay with me, so don't forget to lose my number.

hey. HEY YOU. this has been a long time comming a long time comming
it's me. AND YOU. i know i've been a long time running a long time running.

you and i had a dream it was us against them back then.

its hard to know you're broken when you're falling so high.

it will never be to late to let the lights stay on for safety. lights on for safety. and get one free. whoooooaaaa.

new faith in this record.

confidence and a bit more pride.

excited. italian salami. freeze dried for longer flavR savR

pwnd

y'zrrr

keep your eyes pealed for the zrr. heavy hitter. he is a musical jenius.

support. blucka.

new triathalon bike? hell yes....

bluck.

panic! at the fuck you

2007-02-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

jeff buckley - everybody here wants you

you knew what was comming when you told me you'd try.

standing up is so much better when theres someone standing beside you to model yoruself after. to no vain extent, just posterity. and maybe alittle consistency. whats a copyright worth to the dependable. they've got bigger problems. nothing like a unearthing lack of dilemma to really fuck shit up. in so many ways my own fragility has been my worst enemy. in so many ways my fear has turned myself against me. predictable i guess. its not like fear rode into town looking for a hot game of cards, a fast girl and pint of the landlords finest. its had an agenda since we first met. we should all be aware. of any man who keeps his fears at hand. or normally somewhere between the shoulders and the skull. normally so tightly suqeezed and safe there doesnt seem to be any room for a neck. i received a massage the other day. an older woman. had been practicing massage therapy for upwards of 15 years. said she had never worked on a person with more knotts. she was in shock at how tense i was. figures. i guess i have been alittle over concerned with the softwood lumber dispute as of late. (oh and a few other minor situations in my life, such as, oh, work, relationships, health, relationships, work, laundry, work, relationships, sushi, relationships, work, my car, work, relationships {replace work with: Making the next record, writing the songs, deadlines, touring, travelling, performing, singing, my throat, writing, fans, emails, demographics, album sales, numbers numbers numbers} {oh and replace relationships with: Tam, mom and dad, matt and all my friends, being away from them. being around them. spending time with them. being there for them, KEEPING them}) all in all i'm a lucky son of a bee sting. HA. theres really only two ways to approach this. i can over compensate for a staggering lack of confidence by over asserting myself, shooting off round after round into the pitch dark, cause hey, at least i was shooting. or i can rest alittle easier and know that as long as i work hard and keep focussed i'll end up alright. jesus that looks so fucking good on paper. if you really think about it, just about every self respecting individual, who, when applying the basic principals of hard work and consistency will end up, at the end of the big life machine, in good shape at worst. that being said, i have such a tragic nack for panic. i noticed it today. it revealed itself in such wonderfully gay poetry. (this is the part where i tell you what i'm talking about, but just for the hell of it i'm going to change the subject untill i feel like going back to telling you about the panic story.) i'm really actually upset about something. after having witnessed much debate about whether or not the BRITISH "Office" (popular and rather histerical television show) is more funny (funnier) than the AMERICAN "Office" (adaptation of the original british 'office', just made more stupid (stupider) for fans of fox news, walmart and nascar who concidentally happen to live in the greatest nation on earth. hehe.) having finally watched the US "office" i have come to the conclusion that they're both pretty funny. and arrested development is still so much more good (better) than both. anyway. back to my story! where were we> oh yes, weak weak poetry. and panic. so i've taken up swimming. and for the past several weeks now i wake up every morning with matt at 6am and go down to the local rec center. its has already yielded tremendous results. i'm clearly in the best shape of my life. however i've had quite a problem with it all. and i havent been able to shake it yet. when i'm in the water, i'm not scared of it. but for some reason i have this sily fear of sinking. NOT drowning, but sinking. what this does is, while swimming laps, it causes me to paddle alittle overzealously. pretty much near frantic swimming. and as a novice swimmer i shouldnt be swimming in the fast lanes already. but i seem to be the fastest swimmer in the pool. in no way a good thing. in no way a productive thing. i didnt say efficient. just fast. with numerous breaks for breathing. oh yeah, i'm still having trouble breathing with my head in the water, not in, just out. still figuring that out. and today, this morning, as concentrated so very hard with my head down in the water, stroke after stroke, trying to slow myself down, relax, and breathe out while paddling, i realised how much of a struggle this was. and in almost every other aspect of my life how much of a struggle this is. pacing myself. my best friend matt, has done a triathalon, is not a triathlete, but has done one. he's bigger than i am. not overweight, but bigger. has never been the fastest or the strongest, but has never missed a beat in his life. the most consistent athlete i've ever seen. can run 15 laps around a track and each one will be within 2 seconds of eachother. likewise, almost every aspect of his life is very well paced and balanced. this is not an exhortation for you to find someone fantastic in your life and model yourself after them. this isnt even a brainstorm on what not to do. this is just my findings and where i think i need to improve. ha. vastly. in so many ways (not all ;) ) i find myself jumping head first into whatever it be, at top speed, and then running out of steam shortly after. basically the hundred yard dash. i was always really great at that growing up. and would pass out shortly after, having given it every ounce of strength in my body. a perfect example of how i do things, i once tried my hand (well more my feet and legs) at the 200 yard run

nobody knows

2007-02-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

Her heart is yours for the breaking
Her soul is old
You'd never know she's an angel
Cause nobody knows how fragile she can be

Her hands are yours for the taking
Her lips are cold
You'll never know she's an angel
And nobody knew how fragile she could be

So thankyou, for not looking over me
I do, wanna come If you're calling me
And you knew, where to run when it was getting too rough

When you fly away,
Come back or not,
Take me away with you.

Mid Week Boys Club

2007-02-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

some songs

picture of jesus - ben harper
apple candy - ben lee
12:59 lullaby - bedouin
alala - CSS
fucking boyfriend - bird and the bee
i wish - babyshambles

I have cold feet. Not the literary kind, just the actually, cold, kind. I've been unstoppably feverish as of late. Jordan fell out of my car last night. (It was mid-week-boys-club last night) he got so drunk, that while I was driving he decided to get out. He smacked his head on the pavement pretty bad. We have MWBC once a week, whether we like it or not. It’s healthy. My best friends that I don’t live very close to anymore, we make a point of seeing each other once a week, or we’d never see each other. Even though it just turns into a drunken debacle, it’s still two of my best friends and I, since grade school. I can’t believe how imperative my friends have been through all of this rubbish. The people I have in my life are the most incredible people in the world. They keep me strong, they keep me sane, and most of all, they keep me stable. Reminding me of what’s important, what’s not, what’s real, what’s fake, what I need, what I don’t, and most of all, how funny it is to watch someone ESLE jump off a dumpster into a shrubbery. My left nostril has been runny and sniffley for a while now, so it’s producing quite an array of boogers. I find a lot of people really just don’t like boogers. I don’t mind them. They’re exciting. The weather back at home here has been incredible. Sunny and significantly above zero. I’ve been wearing a t-shirt and open hoodie for a few days now. But that’s also because I hardly change what I wear. Normally every 3-4 days.

My head’s been down for quite a while with this whole music thing. And it kind of scared me yesterday. Not that I don’t have the time to take to do the dishes, or walk my dog, or see an old friend, or just watch curb until I fall asleep on the couch, its just that I choose not to. And instead, spend countless hours guitar in hand, or in front of my computer or at the jam space. And I think I just get scared that all this will lose its element of fun. I think most of the time, its just that lovely little feeling of impending doom. I don’t think I’ll ever buckle under pressure, but I just feel like its taking over sometimes. So many things to do. So many. So many people to please. So many people to keep from being mad at me for who the fuck knows what this time. I guess I just never want this to stop being fun. I never want to forget what it is I want, and I never want to forget what I’m doing this for.

I don’t’ want time to run out. I really don’t want it to slow down either though. Maybe if I can just find a moment I can appreciate. Maybe those 3 minutes around 4.15pm when the sun is at its last angle of light, orange almost, and still warm enough out for me to drive with all the windows down. And as I descend on the city, sun in my face, warm air blowing, it almost seems like the muscles in my face know without hesitation what to do. And a smile takes over my face like the unveiling of an awkwardly beautiful piece of art. Gnarly teeth and all. I think then, I would choose to just pause. Freeze time. like zach morris always did. And just take a deep breath. Maybe cry a little. (No one would notice, they’d all be frozen) I hope I never ever forget where I’ve come from. I hope I never ever forget what really moves me. What really makes me feel. I hope I never ever forget what I’m capable of, and what I need to do. I know I’ve gotta do something. Even if its banging nails, I wish I could just know for certain. I hate instability. I like security. Certainty. Stability. I think. Well, I should probably get back to music. Its not gonna write itself. Long time no see. Don’t be a stranger. Me.

things i miss, to the sounds of 12:59 lullaby:

nintendo wii
red scope
outdoor contained fireplaces
any sort of stone masonry
italian food
sailors
red scope.

The Science of Sleep

2006-10-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

how do i really know when i'm asleep and when i'm awake? how do i really know the difference. is there? maybe i just sleep to hide from the reality of awake. or maybe i stay up late to hide from the purity of my dreams. how can i really be the judge of what part affects which. why do i wake up with sweat. why do i wake up with tears. why do i wake up with a smile and a minute to breath. all this feels strange and untrue. and i won't waste a minute without you. what makes this reality and sleep sleep. what does it matter. another 8 hours i don't have to be on my feet and breaking my back. where's my cinematic orchestra? do you really think you deserve one? are you really expecting a disney ending to come your way? do you really feel what you've done, or suffered or tolerated is deserving of a sunset photo finish. i don't. not yet. i want one. really bad. sometimes you feel like every piece of this puzzle is so very different from the next. that nothing fits together. that every note is off key and you were meant to stay in bed with your eyes closed and your brain off. forever. and other days it seems like every waking minute was spent queing you for a day to come where it will all make perfect sense. every word, every experience, every failure, every success, every smile, every frown, every tear, every swing, every hand to hold all happened at the exact moment they should have, and have up until now been building you into something you don't even realize is being created. you probably will not realize. not for a while. whats your fucking rush. somewhere between filth and smiling i'm still waiting for a handfull of bliss and broken hearts. against all odds all walls and faces i'm fighting this so very sweet smell of sleep. or is it time to wake up?

what can i do with my obsession?
with the things i cannot see?
is there madness in my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?
sometimes you're further than the moon,
sometimes you'closer than my skin,
is there madness in my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?

and my heart,
burns,
for you.

red hot heroine

2006-10-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

copywright. me. right motherfucking now.

i'm going home next weekend. for 29 hours. its my friend mike and ashley's wedding. i'm gonna dress up nice. i can't believe how excited i am. even though my will be grossly overpriced and tragically understayed, i am delighted. i'm gonna get to taste the grapes growing in the backyard of the house i grew up in. i am elated. p.s. never try watching a scary movie by yourself. i tried again, this time texas chainsaw massacre (revised), last time it was the hills have eyes. fuck that shit. i'm going home.

San Dimas Highschool Football Rules!

2006-10-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

So full of inadequacies I'm about to choke.
I wish you'd make heaven here at the end of my rope.
Its been too long since 'too far gone' was still so far away

These failed to mention positves have failed to get me by
So turn the page and shut your eyes, out of mind out of sight
Its been so long since, everyone, said goodbye at the same damn time

Because I'm just so tired
And out of ideas
What's worse is I don't know if this is real

This Helplessness hurts.
And Crossing my Fingers,
Is getting painful and to much to deal with.

But if there's one thing I know,
And one thing I need
It's you much closer, it's you here with me.

So I live this tragedy,
of the luckiest boy in the world
with a girl so god damn far away.

the "failed to mention positives"

2006-09-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

enough said.

who needs camera's when you have bruises

2006-09-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

so my last memory of last night was dan finding tom and i passed out on the elevator floor underneath a toppled over luggage cart. we thought it would be smart to celebrate the release of our cd last night. and we did. boy howdy. i can't belive how much pain i'm in today. tom threw me down a flight of concrete stairs. haha. i was strangling dave. i ran through a sliding door with my face and broke the door off the hinges. with my face. i've been limping all day. i think i tried to break tom's arm off. see what happens lousiville!?! see what happens when you have $2.50 domestic beers!?!?! man. then we got back to the hotel and dave and i got, er.. distracted. and we had a 4am lobby call and i don't remember packing. i think i lost my watch. drats. it was quite the hangover today. i didn't even eat today. just had about 78 bottles of powerade and a chocolate chip cookie. i'm gonna go get some sleep now. much much needed.